I am, I am, I am.................

Lately we haven't spent much time together. I haven't had an overnight or even a 24 hour visit in months.

I'm not suppose to say or be anything but happy with it as it is....

Maybe I'm just worth the extra time..I'm not "good enough" for the effort.

I have to say he has been busy making paddles. Sometimes men are so one tracked. Only focusing on one task at a time. Ouch..is that what I just called myself.."a task"? I'm not going to fight for attention..

Yeah I'm "beating" myself up today.. Maybe it's PMS? shrugs.

After being told I am old since I am 40 and that we can just wait another weekend to see each other because I have family commitments on Saturday afternoon, I am pretty down on myself today.

I didn't say much when I was told that. It really doesn't matter. He doesn't want or need to see me. It doesn't matter that I want and need to see him. I would have been told to shut up or called an asshole. So I am venting here.

What about all the times I have understood when he had commitments?

What do you do when you love your Master and he doesn't love you back?

What do you do when you're down on yourself?

I hope by venting I can just get it out and get it over with...I know I am special. I'm nearly one in a million, well 500,000(lil smile).

I'm going to do what my Ma'am,mentor and friend tells me to do: Put your big girl panties on and stop fucking crying about it. Just gotta love her.

I AM SPECIAL. I AM NOT OLD. I AM SMART AND MATURE. I AM A GOOD PERSON AND FRIEND. I AM NOT SECOND RATE. I AM..I AM...I AM...YES SAM I AM. (NOT SMART ASS MASOCHIST).

xx

Reach Inside of Me please Master.

Yes, reach inside of me please Master.... Take everything in which I have.. If it is nasty, so be it. Take all of my dignity, all of my self control, take everything because I want to give it to you Master.

xx

Reflections...a 'lil personal growth

Today I bit my lower lip.

I'm craving.

I bit my lower lip because I am hungry.

I am craving.

Starving actually.

For His touch. His smell and the sound of his boots.

For the feel of my body being bound.

His cane hitting against my ass.

Feeling pain for atonement.

Crying for mercy and it not being granted.

And looking up at my Master..

and seeing

Forgiveness

Understanding

Lust

Dominance

as he sees,feels and allows

my submission......................

I haven't visited here in such a long time. Life gets busy and such is life.

However, it does not matter how busy you are, or how exhausted you are to take some time for some very much needed reflection. Reflection and thought can helps solve problems, initiate growth and sometimes it just gives you the time and strength to settle down, gather your emotions and grip reality. People don't understand me sometimes and the the things that I do. Hell, sometimes I can't understand myself.

The relationship that I share with Master was going great until I threw a Monkey wrench. No idea why I did. What I did was not out of distrust, jealousy, or being a bratty submissive. After a week of thinking, reflection and lots of tears I have come to realize that I sometimes act/react out of fear.

Things were great and maybe subconsciously I was afraid of losing what was great. You hear or read about situations all the time. People won't let anyone else love them, or people put up an angry persona or walls because they are afraid. Maybe they do this because they have low self esteem, their past haunts them or they are afraid of being happy, comfortable and perhaps they are afraid of themselves.

I know its not low self esteem, that brings that fear and enables me to fuck things up. Maybe it is because I have never had a happy, lasting relationship before Master and I have a fear of someone better, prettier, younger and “more submissive than myself will magically appear and take my Master away? Maybe I throw monkey wrenches and interrupt our relationship because I fear abandonment? Do I think it's too great/good to be true?

Hating to use the old cliche or term “it relates back to my past” I can only imagine maybe that is where my fear derives.

During the time I took to reflect these moments in my life continued creeping into my thoughts:

As a child my mother would disappear for days, weeks and sometimes months. Living with family members I never knew when she would come back for me.

This was while she was married to my father and later divorced.

From the age of 5 until 10 I did not see my father. He started a new family with a new wife. I can remember being in the store and looking at other grown men, wondering is that dad? It kind of looks like him.

When I did see him again, I lived with him for nearly a year until mom decided she wanted her turn to fuck me up a little more.

She died young too. I forgave her for my childhood. But dammit why did she have to leave so young?

My brother, who I practically raised, died young too. I loved him not only like a sister but as a surrogate mother as well. Why did he leave so young?

My marriage ended when I heard the words; “I don't love you anymore.”..yet another person leaving me..

Adding all of the above circumstances in my mind,I cried and had a pity party and then I threw back the covers, rose out of my bed and thought to myself. Your past is just that THE PAST. What others have done and what has HAPPENED has nothing to do with the here and now.

While coming to terms and owning this reality of fear, I keep telling myself Master has done nothing to even cause me to fear. I love him so very much and I fear losing him like I have lost others that I have loved.

It may appear as distrust the way I reacted. However, it is fear that rears its ugly self and my mind races and my heart spasms and cramps...and as I write, doesn’t fear open the door for distrust in one's mind and heart?....I think a light bulb just went off. I had a “slap my forehead and I could have had a V8 moment.”

Does fear and distrust go hand in hand? I think they feed off of each other.

It has taken me nearly 40 years for this “ah ha” moment. Now I know what I need to work on and get over it. FEAR. Owning it is a good start.

I know things aren't always crystal clear or perfectly perfect. Life wouldn't be life it it were.

Apologies have been sent to my Master. They were sincere and I hope he see me for my plusses and not my faults.

He's not only my Master, he is my best friend and so much more...

Oh dear, I sound like a basket case. Honestly, I'm only slightly damaged goods. Smile.

xx

Oh What got into Daddy?...xx

I visited with my Master Daddy Sir last weekend and a week later I am STILL smiling and WONDERING...what got into Daddy?


He used me like he hasn't in quite sometime. Oh how humiliating it is to have one's self exposed, ass in the air and Daddy right behind You using, stretching and working my holes. Humiliating but HOT!

He took me downstairs and led me into the room that we play in often and to my surprise there was a futon bed, made up with a sheet (plastic underneath blush) and several layers of towels (another blush), the red straps he had brought to my house once were fixated onto the bed too. I laid down, Daddy secured my wrists and ankles and proceeded to hurt me in the good way that we both enjoy. I couldn't rub my tender ass, I could twist and turn away, which I might add, he enjoyed immensely.

My favorite toy of the night was Daddy's belt and hands. The Sjambok, it is scary to me and is the only implement that has made me safe word. Maybe it's a mental thing. Who knows, but that Sjambok is a real punishment to me.

After I worshiped his cock, His boots, and he played with me until the tears flowed, we both laid down together on the bed, downstairs and slept together...


My Master, Daddy, Sir can't always give me what I want, but He does try so hard to give me what I need and always on his terms and that makes me a VERY lucky girl. xx

A Romantic Dream and a cry in reality xx

I walked across the damp lawn, pulling my sinking heels out of the mud. The mud made a sucking sound with each step that I took. It's very hard to walk sexy while wearing heals and sinking in the mud. One can't sway her hips, over even give her a going over with her fingers. You just sink, pull up your foot and make sucking sounds.


The door opened for me and there was not a cast of light welcoming me. When the door opened it exposed darkness.

Two steps into the doorway, my bag was lifted off of my shoulder, my purse was taken from my hand and placed onto the floor.

My eyes adjusted, and I did see the light. Tiny candles were flickering. Candles had been placed on each stair, leading up into a darker darkness.

I sucked in my breath as my clothes were being removed.As my flesh was being exposed, soft, flitting kisses danced across inches of soft skin.  Piece by piece my clothing  fell to the floor. Hands ran down my legs, paused and removed my heels, each foot was kissed.

and yet not one word was exchanged. The atmosphere and the actions were the only communication.

The darkness arrives once again as a blindfold covers my eyes. He takes my hand and pulls me, and I follow him.

Ascending the steps, I can not count them. In the silence and in my darkness I follow. A short pause and a kiss to my lips, I can feel the light heat from the tiny candle on my bare ankle.

Continuing upward, we turn and I feel t hat I am in a room.

He walks around me. I can feel his steps going around my body. I feel his kisses covering my body. I feel his mouth sucking my nipples and his tongue licking my neck.

After a kiss to each covered eye; He places a ring around my neck and I feel it's coldness and I hear the sound of a lock.

He stops,  and his hands are gently placed on my shoulders as he pushes me down. Without a word, I follow and I am now sitting.

His hands placed once again gently on my shoulders to signal me to lay down. I laid down.

My hands were held together as the rope bound them together and I felt the pull of rope as I was being tied down.

A soft gag is placed into my mouth and he lays beside me.

Silence can be deafening. When on breaks the silence it is surprisingly alarming.

I am laying there blindfolded,gagged and tied with rope. I am stripped down not only from my lack of clothing am i exposed. My senses are exposed, my mind and my heart.

and he breaks the silence with words...Whispers that only a man who owns me can whisper...

"You are a good girl"

"You belong to me."

"I never want to lose you."

"You are special to me."

"Your my slave and so much more."

 "I love you."

"No longer will you sleep on the floor, yes there still be cage time, no longer will you feel worthless on a hard floor. I want you to feel as special as you are to me." Master's are strong, but you have shown me how to accept it is okay to be giving. It reinforces that you, my slave mean so very much to me."

I cried hearing those words and that is when I realized where I was lying. My Master had finally taken me to his bed. Which meant I am special, and also meant that he trusted me.

I was also crying when I woke up. It made me sad to awake to my reality and not be in his bed. I cried because my dream was so romantic...

A bed is just an object. Everyone has one. But for me, that is something I dream about often and this is first time I have shared my dream...

Am i worthy? In my eyes it doesn't change our relationship, it enhances.

Three years and I have yet to be in my Master's bed...

What's wrong with me that after three years he wouldn't want to share his bed with me?

I dream about that intimacy often...

I'm cute, sexy, fem, wanton, lustful, and pleasing...who wouldn't want me in their bed

and the winner for BEST PERFORMANCE goes to.........................

Today is the day before Christmas Eve. I enjoyed a breakfast with my sons this morning and I am preparing for hopefully a short work day tomorrow. (Nurses are never allowed time off for each and every holiday).

I sit here in my comfy gown, sipping my warm coffee and ponder the holidays.

I plan on spending some time with my Father along with his "other family" and will see my sons for a bit on Christmas Day. (It sucks having to share sometimes).

Comfortable in my own company, I can't help but to feel lonely sometimes and the holidays do reinforce some of my loneliness. How I would love to have my house over running with my sons, their significant others and have that special someone in my life beside me as well.


Don't get me wrong, I'm happy. I just do not enjoy being alone on the holidays. I will paint my face along with my smile, be and do what I have to do for the holidays. Don't be surprised if I win an Oscar for this year's performance.

and if he only had asked..Had asked me just ONCE what I wanted for Christmas, What I wanted from Santa....

I would have said...All I want for Christmas...is for you to love me.

xx

Just Me Xx

Outside my window~ It is VERY cold this morning. I walked a mile and my teeth were chattering...I wore a tshirt sweater and my jacket and my nipples still ached.


My thoughts~ Enjoying the quiet...but this week/end I have really felt just alone. Sometimes I wish I could mean everything to someone, just anyone. I enjoy my independence, but sometimes its just nice to have someone beside you...Not all the time, just sometimes. Maybe it's hormones, maybe the way I have thought is a realization..who knows, i just hope it passes soon. (thats my weekly whine.)


Today’s Quote~Just a few words that caught my attention and thoughts as I read them a few months ago..Words that described her and i think sometimes me too:.

"Humger Thump"

"Nymphomania of the brain"

"Starvation of the Heart"


 

My Service~ I wish I could do more for Master..


From the Kitchen~ No idea yet today, just something healthy an NO DIET DINNER TODAY.


I am wearing~ A long sleeve tshirt and jogging pants...the fashion police should be beating my door down.


I am creating~ Working on Master's quilt. I really think it will be completed by the end of the year! I have worked on it on and off for the last two years, these last six months I have really concentrated on getting it completed.


My adventures this week~ Last weekend I saw Master and as always I had a wonderful time. ( I miss him so much this weekend.). I visited my son and his significant other yesterday in Chattanoooga.


What I am Reading~ All He Ever Wanted...by Anita Shreve.    (I wish I were all He ever wanted)


Music this Week~ Just radio music (Note to self to download some Rod Stewart, his newer songs)



Tuesday’s Lecture~ Putting Master FIRST, second and third. Wearing nylons, with runs or a new pair is putting Master first. Wearing heels is putting Master first. Giving a good Hand Job and being the hand job queen is putting Master first. Good girl you did a good job this week and it is ok sometimes not to get everything done on th e todo list. As long as you looked at it and thought about it and did a REAL EFFORT  to get things done.