I am, I am, I am.................

Lately we haven't spent much time together. I haven't had an overnight or even a 24 hour visit in months.

I'm not suppose to say or be anything but happy with it as it is....

Maybe I'm just worth the extra time..I'm not "good enough" for the effort.

I have to say he has been busy making paddles. Sometimes men are so one tracked. Only focusing on one task at a time. Ouch..is that what I just called myself.."a task"? I'm not going to fight for attention..

Yeah I'm "beating" myself up today.. Maybe it's PMS? shrugs.

After being told I am old since I am 40 and that we can just wait another weekend to see each other because I have family commitments on Saturday afternoon, I am pretty down on myself today.

I didn't say much when I was told that. It really doesn't matter. He doesn't want or need to see me. It doesn't matter that I want and need to see him. I would have been told to shut up or called an asshole. So I am venting here.

What about all the times I have understood when he had commitments?

What do you do when you love your Master and he doesn't love you back?

What do you do when you're down on yourself?

I hope by venting I can just get it out and get it over with...I know I am special. I'm nearly one in a million, well 500,000(lil smile).

I'm going to do what my Ma'am,mentor and friend tells me to do: Put your big girl panties on and stop fucking crying about it. Just gotta love her.

I AM SPECIAL. I AM NOT OLD. I AM SMART AND MATURE. I AM A GOOD PERSON AND FRIEND. I AM NOT SECOND RATE. I AM..I AM...I AM...YES SAM I AM. (NOT SMART ASS MASOCHIST).

xx