It's that time of year again.....

Wow, Christmas Eve is here.

I have had such a nice day with my sons. They were over for breakfast and spent the rest of the day with their Father. I am expecting them back here shortly. (I have a few minutes to just stop and blog..YAY!)

Oh and my youngest son and I made a gingerbread house today! Our first. It was fun, cute and we will do it again next year.

Having three sons, working and serving Master keeps me busy. Oh another new update. I am writing a book! It's a secret. The plot etc etc. Master, has encouraged me to continue writing. (This book is not lifestyle related). It's topic/plot is very special and dear to my heart.

I lack the formal "English" training to write "correctly"..but I can wing it, if no one never reads whats inside of me, does it really matter? No...Getting it out and feeling it personally is what I am taking from this endeavor.

Master, found  a few great writing programs and I have been on a writing frenzy the last few weeks. The programs are great. They help organize thoughts, characters, and events.

Not seeing Master for Christmas and trying to fight the "i must be a freak to him" feelings. It would be nice to spend the holidays with my Master and sons. DREAM ON...Have I mentioned I am fighting this feeling and trying not to even think about it? smile. enough said. It is such a small thing in the big picture. I am happy and am having a wonderful holiday with my family.

I do get my Master for New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. We brought in this year together, saw it through and will bring in another new year together. We will be hiking in the Northeast Georgia mountains, sleeping under the stars and kissing under the full moon...and FREEZING. HaHaHa. It is hard work, carrying a pack and walking those trails. But you know what, I would follow him anywhere!

I will close my eyes, when freezing and think about Him readying his fireplace for us to lay next to and kiss. HAHAHHAAH...Romantic...that's another day and another blog entry. ..I need me some ROMANCE..along with my submission...sounds "Not right" doesn't it.?

Nearly time for my favortie holiday movie..."The Christmas Story."....Happy Holidays.

xx

My cage. How I miss being locked away. Here, I am free in my thoughts. Here, is the place where I think and dream and await my Master's return. Here, is where I rest like no other place. xx

Punishment, a movie. A weekend with Master.

Wow it has been a few days since I have last posted.  Rewinding back to last week.  Friday Master invited me to visit Him! After a month of being apart. (not counting the class we attended).  He made time for me. Things are starting to settle down in His life and He wanted to see me. I am a very lucky girl!

It starts the moment He asks for me to visit. The natural "high" I feel.  I float, smile, and my heart beats fast with excitement. I am balloon that starts to expand. A balloon that is filled with wanton lust and hope. 

Certain that I am not the only submissive that has her own rituals when preparing to visit with their Master, Sir, Dom; I have discovered that my rituals are a huge part of my mind set before seeing Master. 


Rituals were put in force Saturday morning and I packed a dinner for Master. I prepared chicken breasts stuffed with spinach and blue cheese, black beans with Serrano peppers, onion,garlic, cumin, and mashed potatoes.  This is a service I do for Him. He does not ask this of me, I do this on my own. When His mouth tastes my cooking, He's enjoying a part of me. smile.


Master had told me the night before He will gag me at this visit. He often tells me when I walk in and open my mouth I sidetrack him and He can't focus. He calls it an "illness". Giggle. Honestly, I don't do it in purpose.."as I bat my eyes innocently".


He helps me carry my bags in, I strip and Master gags me. I don't care for a gag, but who am I to complain and can't really with a ball shoved in my mouth. HAHAHHA. The gag makes me drool and musses the makeup. I am very into pretty makeup, a fetish nearly and I work a long time on it. However, if Master wants a gag, that is what Master gets. 


He has a ladder standing in the den. It's not a tall ladder, maybe an over sized step ladder is a better description.  I am vertically challenged at 5'2  any ladder is tall to me. If I remember correctly I was strapped to the ladder at the ankles and arms. He put a pillow in front of my chest for me to lay over onto, Master is very considerate at times. I say remember correctly because sometimes details escape me after a scene. They may reappear a few days or weeks down the road or may not.  I do remember asking if may be allowed to wear my fuchsia heels.



This was not to be a pleasure beating. While Master was being stressed in his private life, I was hormonal, missing Him and I guess acting out. Plainly put I showed my ass and upset Him. I never do this. Being away, the hormones, and sometimes not feeling secure,wanted or needed was a recipe for disaster 


Master lectured me and beat me at the same time. I am a slut for pain, a greedy pain pig. When Master lectures me and I hear the disappointment, even hurt in His tone, it crushes me. Hearing this hurts more than any cane could ever sting. Tears poured and I kept listening. The welts on my ass were nothing compared to the cracks felt in my heart. I cry as I sit here and remember that feeling, that memory will never escape my mind.


After my punishment/discipline. I lean toward punishment. I am told to dress and that we were leaving. With no idea where we were going; I dressed and asked to reapply my makeup. My request was denied. He said I looked fine. 


We drove and He had me pull into a shopping center. Driving slow I saw the movie theater. Master was taking me to a movie I have mentioned several times! I was told that He wanted to deal with me before he treated me. 


Master and I have never been "out" to a movie together. I was so happy to experience this with Him. Why it was nearly a date and that is something I have not done since meeting Him two years ago. I did not mention that Sunday was our two year anniversary. Two years ago that we had arranged to meet at a munch after chatting for several months online. That will be another post.


I wanted to caress His cock while sitting in the dark. A cute movie was playing and while  I did pay attention, my mind kept grabbing onto thoughts of touching. My eyes would also glance over and admire his profile in the dark. I wonder if Master saw me smiling and if so, did He know it wasn't because I was enjoying the movie? I smiled because I enjoy being with Him. I do not need to be played, or cumming to enjoy my Master, I can be at His feet, side, in my cage or just chatting with Him. 

When we returned home, I warmed up dinner and Master put the black tutu on me that He had made. It is so cute and girlie! He also slapped and tortured my nips and breasts. They burned and turned red. I marked rather well this weekend.


I was allowed to worship His wonderful cock and had a few shots of tequila. Sucking cock that was dipped in tequila is especially yummy too!


We slept and awoke the next morning. I cleaned the bathroom and fucked my Master's foot. I am naughty,nasty and perverted. Kissing his foot and then having it stretching me is something that gets me off. More cock worship and I napped with Master's cock in my mouth. I would love to sleep and wake up with His cock in my mouth often. Daily in my dreams. hahahhaa. 


Before leaving I received a hand spanking and paddling. 182 hits with the paddle. Somehow, somewhere over the last two years, I can't remember how, but 182 became the number of licks I receive. Sometimes they are by the cane, belt, paddle or a mixture. 


It was time for me to leave. I absolutely hate leaving. 


I drove home. My ass was on fire and I never turned on the radio. I like to drive home in silence and reflect on my time spent with Master.

This week I have felt His touch that remains on my body. I felt his marks as  I worked and went about my vanilla routine and lived in my vanilla world.  Each time my breasts would ache underneath my bra and each time I felt the burn on my ass, I would smile and remember how lucky I am to be His.



He told me tonight that He is still upset and hurting for the way I acted. He couldn't see my tears and I did not divulge that information. I would take a hundred beatings and endure the heart wrenching lectures , go without makeup, beg for hours on my knees, anything to hear Him say that it's gone. His disappointment and the hurt gone from his words and thoughts.



I have promised not to do this again. I won't fuck up what is wonderful. I will not risk that EVER again. 


Tonight is Thanksgiving eve and I find myself alone. My children are with their father and my father is out of town with His "other" family. I am dreading tomorrow. I will survive and will try to keep busy. It's not a major issue with me, I wish He could include me in His other world. I wish we were of both worlds together. I can't date vanilla. Not by orders or rules but by choice. I can't divide myself in such a way. I am not wired like that. Survival is what I do best. I sink and then get up, brush myself off and carry on. 




I hope he forgives me...it's hurting both of us. ...xx

Time spent

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a slaves heart: These are not normal times...He told me.

a slaves heart: These are not normal times...He told me.

Keeping busy

Today will be productive and positive.

These are not normal times...He told me.

My Master is going through a difficult time in his very personal life. He received some bad news last Friday and did not tell me. I was not invited to visit him this past weekend. Gosh, I really wanted to see him after I took my youngest son trick or treating. I had no idea what was going on with Him.

I am very transparent with my life with Him and he is not so open with me
As much as I dream for it to happen, I do not live with my Master. I am allowed to spend time with Him often. This agreement has worked well for both of us. However, that desire is there for me. It isn't something I need.



This weekend I was told I could "move on" if I wanted and maybe I would be made to take a "vacation" Because I came off as not satisfied and not trusting.My Master does not phone me. We only chat online and that is every night. Sometimes I feel he is coming to talk to me just to leave and I asked him why? It seems like he is not reading my words too.



Those words truely hurt me. After two years of being His devoted submissive what made him say that to me?
I was respectful when I voiced my concerns. That I felt he was not truly giving me his attention when we chatted and how he signs on already leaving. I had no idea what had happened on Friday. (His bad news).


Those words stung and I cried all weekend. I am owned and collared. However, I do not wear an everyday collar but a chain around my waist. My chain is the symbol of our relationship and my devotion.


Saturday, i ran my bubble bath and I removed His chain from my waist. I was hurt, confused. I thought, okay this is the end, He has tired of me, he wants to move on..what did i do????

The chain hung on a shelf in front of me as I soaked and contemplated. Looking up at the chain; I asked myself what does this chain mean to you? What does it mean to him?

Monday made more sense. He admitted that he was in a depressive mood over the weekend and he told me about the bad news.


Is this why he lashed out at me? I did not know what was happening. If I had i would have never asked those questions.


Each Tuesday, Master gives me my weekly lecture. This weeks was "The Vanilla world is the real world and these are not normal times."

That he has to take care of the important things and responsibilities in his life. I understand he has elderly parents and that he is very close to them. He mentioned the holidays are upon us now too. Which means that is Vanilla only.


Another stab to my submissive heart. "am i not real to him?" Am I just what he plays with? He made me feel "freakish" ..That I am not "good enough" to be included in his "other" life. 


I told him that too. He was not pleased and i tried to explain that I want us to be more than what we are without being everything.to each other. 

He warned me not to "box him in."



He is the only man in my life. The only one I want. With words like he has said, I do not think he feels the same way about me. I love my Master. While I haven't said those words to him, i let him know via email because I am so afraid of how he may  react and the response may break my heart.



I haven't told my Master that I have removed my chain. It's not around my waist, I have carried it in my pocket since Saturday. I touch it, kiss it and i keep asking myself what does this chain mean to you/us.


Its almost a battle, a turmoil i am experiencing at the moment and I can't tell him. I can't and I do not want to upset him even more so. His bad news is enough for him to worry about.



Does he want me to move on? Does he want me to take a "vacation". I know every time I have taken a vacation to some place..It was hard coming back home....


I agree with my Master..."These are not normal times"...in so many ways. xx

aslavesheart-me

aslavesheart-me

Well I have finally decided to do it!  So many times I have considered writing about me,my life,and my journey. What has kept me from writing these last three years and why have I chosen to do so now? I was scared. Scared of maybe what I will discover about myself. Scared what others may think. Scared to put it down in words. The proverbial "black and white."  It's time to get it OUT of me. Writing I hope will enable me to work things out, seeing my thoughts in words and sharing with others I hope will be a positive experience. Reading other blogs and sharing mine, and making a few friends is what I am here for. Please if You do read, do not be judgmental, as I am the most liberal, let others be who they are kind of person.