These are not normal times...He told me.

My Master is going through a difficult time in his very personal life. He received some bad news last Friday and did not tell me. I was not invited to visit him this past weekend. Gosh, I really wanted to see him after I took my youngest son trick or treating. I had no idea what was going on with Him.

I am very transparent with my life with Him and he is not so open with me
As much as I dream for it to happen, I do not live with my Master. I am allowed to spend time with Him often. This agreement has worked well for both of us. However, that desire is there for me. It isn't something I need.



This weekend I was told I could "move on" if I wanted and maybe I would be made to take a "vacation" Because I came off as not satisfied and not trusting.My Master does not phone me. We only chat online and that is every night. Sometimes I feel he is coming to talk to me just to leave and I asked him why? It seems like he is not reading my words too.



Those words truely hurt me. After two years of being His devoted submissive what made him say that to me?
I was respectful when I voiced my concerns. That I felt he was not truly giving me his attention when we chatted and how he signs on already leaving. I had no idea what had happened on Friday. (His bad news).


Those words stung and I cried all weekend. I am owned and collared. However, I do not wear an everyday collar but a chain around my waist. My chain is the symbol of our relationship and my devotion.


Saturday, i ran my bubble bath and I removed His chain from my waist. I was hurt, confused. I thought, okay this is the end, He has tired of me, he wants to move on..what did i do????

The chain hung on a shelf in front of me as I soaked and contemplated. Looking up at the chain; I asked myself what does this chain mean to you? What does it mean to him?

Monday made more sense. He admitted that he was in a depressive mood over the weekend and he told me about the bad news.


Is this why he lashed out at me? I did not know what was happening. If I had i would have never asked those questions.


Each Tuesday, Master gives me my weekly lecture. This weeks was "The Vanilla world is the real world and these are not normal times."

That he has to take care of the important things and responsibilities in his life. I understand he has elderly parents and that he is very close to them. He mentioned the holidays are upon us now too. Which means that is Vanilla only.


Another stab to my submissive heart. "am i not real to him?" Am I just what he plays with? He made me feel "freakish" ..That I am not "good enough" to be included in his "other" life. 


I told him that too. He was not pleased and i tried to explain that I want us to be more than what we are without being everything.to each other. 

He warned me not to "box him in."



He is the only man in my life. The only one I want. With words like he has said, I do not think he feels the same way about me. I love my Master. While I haven't said those words to him, i let him know via email because I am so afraid of how he may  react and the response may break my heart.



I haven't told my Master that I have removed my chain. It's not around my waist, I have carried it in my pocket since Saturday. I touch it, kiss it and i keep asking myself what does this chain mean to you/us.


Its almost a battle, a turmoil i am experiencing at the moment and I can't tell him. I can't and I do not want to upset him even more so. His bad news is enough for him to worry about.



Does he want me to move on? Does he want me to take a "vacation". I know every time I have taken a vacation to some place..It was hard coming back home....


I agree with my Master..."These are not normal times"...in so many ways. xx