Reflection on my service...and I have an itch..

I have an "itch".

I am a bondage barbie, pain princess, a pig for His BOOTS, and a service kind of girl all wrapped up in one package. It has been weeks and I have an "itch."


While I submit in heart and mind while apart from my Master: I crave to feel Him in person.

Today my thoughts have been directed at service. I want to serve Him, give to Him and ultimately please Him.

Often I ask anything? Anything that I can do for You Master?

I do crave to worship his cock, feel his bondage and fly with his pain.. I crave even more so His pleasure in anything that I can give to him and in anything I can do for Him.

I found an email I wrote two years ago. Master had asked me about my perception of service. We were fairly new together at this time and I enjoyed the opportunity that allowed me to voice my view of service.

January 22, 2008

I would like to begin with saying "Thank you". No one has never asked me what service is or what it means to me. Over the last few days, I have thought often about that question and will try to the best of my ability to put into words what service means to me. Again, thank you Daddy Sir for asking. xx

This is how i feel about service. I haven't had a lot of experience with service. However, i know what i feel and who i am. xx

Service is what i do as a submissive to please. My service is offered to meet my Sir's needs and desires. Whether i am being masso to his sadist, his friend, his lover, his sex partner or serving him domestically. No one thing is beneath me in service to him. His needs and pleasures come first. Pleasing him, making him happy, and making his day/life easier meets the need that i have to serve.


i  like to use the adage "it's better to give than to receive", to describe the service part of myself. It isn't always the action of service, it is the attitude and thought processes that i go through. That is my core. My service submissive core. It also means that i take the good with the bad. Just because it isn't something i wouldn't like to do, doesn't mean i wouldn't do it. Again, much better to give to you and put your needs and desires first.


Serving you would be through the way that i behave, obey, carry out tasks, the way that i talk, walk, carry myself and serve you sexually.. Service is dedication to one. Serving would be pleasing you. Putting you at ease and making you happy. Service is a thought, an action. Thoughts and actions that are centered around you.


 i am  learning to ask to speak. Learning how to ask if there is anything that i can do for you Sir. Sir, may i massage you, Sir, may i make you a coffee, Sir, may i sweep your floor and scrub it, Sir, may i clean your ashtray,  Sir, may i iron or fold your laundry. Sir, may i service you sexually? The list can be infinite.


 i do want to offer service. i crave not only the things that we talk about and do, i crave serving you in many other ways. i crave to give you service, to put your desires and needs first. i want to do for you without being asked or being told to do. i want to see you smile when i offer service and do for YOU. . i really hope to please you in this area of service  the next time we meet. xx


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I smiled as I read over this email I wrote so long ago. We've come a long way Master..

xx

I am tired, sore and MOVED!

 The move went smoothly and I now reside in my " 'lil house."

Master was out of town this weekend.. I missed him. Staying busy with the move has helped lots.


He sent me a recording Thursday night of His voice. A "follow directions" trance induction recording. (I hope I have described this correctly).

I turned it on Friday and Saturday night and followed the directions. I get so hot hearing his voice, He could have recorded The Preamble to the Constitution and I would have gotten off!

It was hot to follow direction and feel my submission. Feeling in my place, I wanted to stay, own and hold on to that feeling.

I lit two candles,inserted Priscilla and laid on the floor as directed and listened to nearly 30 minutes of my Master's voice. I relaxed, grew wet and excited and came for my Daddy Master Sir.

and after the surge of electricity that I felt throughout my body and the release..I released another way. I cried...

I am still trying to figure out and realize why I cried. I remember a time  that I cried after masturbating and I don't like remembering that time period.

Was it exhaustion from work intertwined with a major move, missing Master and all the other daily, normal life bullshit?

Who knows? I can't wait to talk with Him and hopefully it will be soon. I waited hoping he would bend his limit and call me sometime over the weekend. I guess sometimes I hope for too much and should be thankful for what I do receive...

Tomorrow is Monday..Grr..I  hope for a pretty blue sky and a warm sun for such a dreadful day.


xx

Catch up time xx

Wow! It has been a few months since I last wrote here. 

A quick catch up:

I am moving into my little house. The house I have owned for sometime. The last few years the house was in use by a local shelter.I picked women that had shown great healing and progress. Abused and homeless women were the occupants of my little house. I found this house shortly after my Mother passed away and to deal with her death and what she went through I decided to help other women in the same circumstances that my mother was in most of her life. 

The last few months I have lived in an apartment and I haven't felt quite "at home". I have never lived in my little house and now, I plan on making it my home. 

Saturday is the big day and with my son's help and their friends we will get it done!

Writing continues with the book I am writing. I am not an English major, nor am I grammatically correct. It has been nice to sit in the quiet and expel my thoughts onto actual paper. I enjoy going back a few days later and reading what has escaped from my mind and heart. 

My middle son will turn 18 next week. My where has the time gone? Preparation for his graduation in May is ongoing. We are having a dispute. As when my oldest son graduated high school, I wanted to have family and friends over to celebrate. This son doesn't want that. He wants to leave right after the graduation ceremony and drive to Florida with his friends. Picking battles is what I do. Not sure if I want or should pick this one. 

Baseball season starts soon. My youngest will be playing in machine pitch this year. I am looking forward to watching my 'lil slugger play.

Work is work,is going smoothly and I do enjoy the long weekends every week. All nurses should have days off at a time, so that they may rest, recoup and avoid burn out.

Time with Master has, should I say been very limited. While I do not work part of the week, he does and chooses not to see me. That leaves the weekends and he has been busy, doing things with his father. I miss him very much. However, I have no place there with him when it comes to vanilla, normal things.. I am happy that he can enjoy his time with his father. 

Time away does not turn off desire, cravings and needs. I do my best not to whine. I feel like he takes it that I am whining now when I try to tell him I crave and need him. 


If I could whisper in his ear. I would whisper.."Master, I crave and need to feel you in so many ways. Master, please cage me, bind me, hurt me and enable me to revel in my submission to You. Master, I need to smell, touch, taste and feel you."


I am always his submissive. Its hard to feel connected, wanted and needed through words on a screen. 




That's my update and now that I am sharing this blog with my Master, I will be back more often as time allows.


xx

 

It's that time of year again.....

Wow, Christmas Eve is here.

I have had such a nice day with my sons. They were over for breakfast and spent the rest of the day with their Father. I am expecting them back here shortly. (I have a few minutes to just stop and blog..YAY!)

Oh and my youngest son and I made a gingerbread house today! Our first. It was fun, cute and we will do it again next year.

Having three sons, working and serving Master keeps me busy. Oh another new update. I am writing a book! It's a secret. The plot etc etc. Master, has encouraged me to continue writing. (This book is not lifestyle related). It's topic/plot is very special and dear to my heart.

I lack the formal "English" training to write "correctly"..but I can wing it, if no one never reads whats inside of me, does it really matter? No...Getting it out and feeling it personally is what I am taking from this endeavor.

Master, found  a few great writing programs and I have been on a writing frenzy the last few weeks. The programs are great. They help organize thoughts, characters, and events.

Not seeing Master for Christmas and trying to fight the "i must be a freak to him" feelings. It would be nice to spend the holidays with my Master and sons. DREAM ON...Have I mentioned I am fighting this feeling and trying not to even think about it? smile. enough said. It is such a small thing in the big picture. I am happy and am having a wonderful holiday with my family.

I do get my Master for New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. We brought in this year together, saw it through and will bring in another new year together. We will be hiking in the Northeast Georgia mountains, sleeping under the stars and kissing under the full moon...and FREEZING. HaHaHa. It is hard work, carrying a pack and walking those trails. But you know what, I would follow him anywhere!

I will close my eyes, when freezing and think about Him readying his fireplace for us to lay next to and kiss. HAHAHHAAH...Romantic...that's another day and another blog entry. ..I need me some ROMANCE..along with my submission...sounds "Not right" doesn't it.?

Nearly time for my favortie holiday movie..."The Christmas Story."....Happy Holidays.

xx

My cage. How I miss being locked away. Here, I am free in my thoughts. Here, is the place where I think and dream and await my Master's return. Here, is where I rest like no other place. xx

Punishment, a movie. A weekend with Master.

Wow it has been a few days since I have last posted.  Rewinding back to last week.  Friday Master invited me to visit Him! After a month of being apart. (not counting the class we attended).  He made time for me. Things are starting to settle down in His life and He wanted to see me. I am a very lucky girl!

It starts the moment He asks for me to visit. The natural "high" I feel.  I float, smile, and my heart beats fast with excitement. I am balloon that starts to expand. A balloon that is filled with wanton lust and hope. 

Certain that I am not the only submissive that has her own rituals when preparing to visit with their Master, Sir, Dom; I have discovered that my rituals are a huge part of my mind set before seeing Master. 


Rituals were put in force Saturday morning and I packed a dinner for Master. I prepared chicken breasts stuffed with spinach and blue cheese, black beans with Serrano peppers, onion,garlic, cumin, and mashed potatoes.  This is a service I do for Him. He does not ask this of me, I do this on my own. When His mouth tastes my cooking, He's enjoying a part of me. smile.


Master had told me the night before He will gag me at this visit. He often tells me when I walk in and open my mouth I sidetrack him and He can't focus. He calls it an "illness". Giggle. Honestly, I don't do it in purpose.."as I bat my eyes innocently".


He helps me carry my bags in, I strip and Master gags me. I don't care for a gag, but who am I to complain and can't really with a ball shoved in my mouth. HAHAHHA. The gag makes me drool and musses the makeup. I am very into pretty makeup, a fetish nearly and I work a long time on it. However, if Master wants a gag, that is what Master gets. 


He has a ladder standing in the den. It's not a tall ladder, maybe an over sized step ladder is a better description.  I am vertically challenged at 5'2  any ladder is tall to me. If I remember correctly I was strapped to the ladder at the ankles and arms. He put a pillow in front of my chest for me to lay over onto, Master is very considerate at times. I say remember correctly because sometimes details escape me after a scene. They may reappear a few days or weeks down the road or may not.  I do remember asking if may be allowed to wear my fuchsia heels.



This was not to be a pleasure beating. While Master was being stressed in his private life, I was hormonal, missing Him and I guess acting out. Plainly put I showed my ass and upset Him. I never do this. Being away, the hormones, and sometimes not feeling secure,wanted or needed was a recipe for disaster 


Master lectured me and beat me at the same time. I am a slut for pain, a greedy pain pig. When Master lectures me and I hear the disappointment, even hurt in His tone, it crushes me. Hearing this hurts more than any cane could ever sting. Tears poured and I kept listening. The welts on my ass were nothing compared to the cracks felt in my heart. I cry as I sit here and remember that feeling, that memory will never escape my mind.


After my punishment/discipline. I lean toward punishment. I am told to dress and that we were leaving. With no idea where we were going; I dressed and asked to reapply my makeup. My request was denied. He said I looked fine. 


We drove and He had me pull into a shopping center. Driving slow I saw the movie theater. Master was taking me to a movie I have mentioned several times! I was told that He wanted to deal with me before he treated me. 


Master and I have never been "out" to a movie together. I was so happy to experience this with Him. Why it was nearly a date and that is something I have not done since meeting Him two years ago. I did not mention that Sunday was our two year anniversary. Two years ago that we had arranged to meet at a munch after chatting for several months online. That will be another post.


I wanted to caress His cock while sitting in the dark. A cute movie was playing and while  I did pay attention, my mind kept grabbing onto thoughts of touching. My eyes would also glance over and admire his profile in the dark. I wonder if Master saw me smiling and if so, did He know it wasn't because I was enjoying the movie? I smiled because I enjoy being with Him. I do not need to be played, or cumming to enjoy my Master, I can be at His feet, side, in my cage or just chatting with Him. 

When we returned home, I warmed up dinner and Master put the black tutu on me that He had made. It is so cute and girlie! He also slapped and tortured my nips and breasts. They burned and turned red. I marked rather well this weekend.


I was allowed to worship His wonderful cock and had a few shots of tequila. Sucking cock that was dipped in tequila is especially yummy too!


We slept and awoke the next morning. I cleaned the bathroom and fucked my Master's foot. I am naughty,nasty and perverted. Kissing his foot and then having it stretching me is something that gets me off. More cock worship and I napped with Master's cock in my mouth. I would love to sleep and wake up with His cock in my mouth often. Daily in my dreams. hahahhaa. 


Before leaving I received a hand spanking and paddling. 182 hits with the paddle. Somehow, somewhere over the last two years, I can't remember how, but 182 became the number of licks I receive. Sometimes they are by the cane, belt, paddle or a mixture. 


It was time for me to leave. I absolutely hate leaving. 


I drove home. My ass was on fire and I never turned on the radio. I like to drive home in silence and reflect on my time spent with Master.

This week I have felt His touch that remains on my body. I felt his marks as  I worked and went about my vanilla routine and lived in my vanilla world.  Each time my breasts would ache underneath my bra and each time I felt the burn on my ass, I would smile and remember how lucky I am to be His.



He told me tonight that He is still upset and hurting for the way I acted. He couldn't see my tears and I did not divulge that information. I would take a hundred beatings and endure the heart wrenching lectures , go without makeup, beg for hours on my knees, anything to hear Him say that it's gone. His disappointment and the hurt gone from his words and thoughts.



I have promised not to do this again. I won't fuck up what is wonderful. I will not risk that EVER again. 


Tonight is Thanksgiving eve and I find myself alone. My children are with their father and my father is out of town with His "other" family. I am dreading tomorrow. I will survive and will try to keep busy. It's not a major issue with me, I wish He could include me in His other world. I wish we were of both worlds together. I can't date vanilla. Not by orders or rules but by choice. I can't divide myself in such a way. I am not wired like that. Survival is what I do best. I sink and then get up, brush myself off and carry on. 




I hope he forgives me...it's hurting both of us. ...xx

Time spent

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