Part One....A basic need. She waits.

1. She waits and waits. Seems the slut always waits.

2. She craves and craves. Seems the slut always craves.

3. She dreams and dreams. Seems the slut always dreams.

~~~~  Part one of three ~~~~

1. She waits for Him. Either online or waits for the opportunity to see Master in person. Nearly three years into the relationship and there are other things she waits to happen. Master calls these things limits. She calls them basic and human wants and needs. She reflects and thinks about Maslow's hiercy of needs.

Want and needs are different she knows that. Every relationship is based on those being fulfilled. Needs should be fulfilled if possible, and wants can be granted by compromise, or even denied. For her, wants can be appeased.

She isn't allowed to bathe at her Master's house. Once or has it been twice she has asked and Master has said NO?He offered to shorten their time together so she will not have the need to bathe at his home.That is why she has not asked again.  Doesn't he see their time together as precious?  He tells her she will think "too much" of bathing? It makes her feel unworthy and not special. To her its not him being more Masterly. It's him not caring about basic needs. When she has to use a "trick rag/towel" it cheapens her submission and not in a good way.She doesn't feel special or treasured, just an object or weekend plaything when she has to ask for a rag to clean herself with.. She gives him her submission, trust and all that she can and she can't bathe. A basic need.

She always sees the glass half full. However, this is something that has been bothering her for awhile. It hurts her and while the length of her long term relationship is great and the relationship is wonderful, this is one thing that is lacking.

After time can't limits be re-evaluated as respect, trust, friendship and submission have grown and bloomed?

She just needs to be able to bathe. It isn't a grand request or uncomprehending. This is her way of asking and isn't her being bitchy. It's her way of bringing it to the table for discussion. She would never demand anything, as that is her not her nature. She's just asking.

Always Xx 

Lectures ...are needed sometimes...

Master and I enjoyed Wednesday evening together. It was a very special treat to be allowed to visit his home on a weekday. We attended a class together and spent a few hours later at his home. I drove home floating and had happy submissive thoughts all day long on Thursday. I completed my weekly assignments early, had them waiting to be emailed and was waiting on Master to come online. Wow how fast can a bubble be busted? I received a lecture. The previous night I had broke Master's rule.

Master requires me to ask for permission before I speak, and to always answer him with a yes Sir and no Sir. For the life of me I can't get this down to perfection. Am I stupid? Am I suffering from onset of early Alzheimer's Disease? Am I a sorry ass submissive? I fucked up plain and simple.

I waited all day to speak to him, I was still on that submissive high. The tears poured and the self doubt poured as well as I "listened" to the lecture. It's hard when you are told, You didn't  follow the rule, so you were not feeling submissive. Feelings are subjective, they are not objective. If they were objective, we would be mind readers and no one could hide how they feel or think.

So I sat and listened to my Master. The rule is the only real rule that he has. Well it isn't the ONLY rule, but the most IMPORTANT. It's not a hard rule or unrealistic rule. I do not ignore the rule to be disrespectful.

I apologized, and told Master I can do better and I will try. Perfect is something I do not profess to be. Perfection is not attainable or realistic. I have tried in the past with others to be "perfect" and that was self destructive. I embrace the fact that I am a submissive who is human and not perfect.

What I do not embrace or enjoy is knowing I have disappointed Master.  I let him down and by doing so let myself down. I want to obey and follow my Master's rules. That is who I am. I will do better. I can do better.

So what do Master's rules mean to me and how do they define me?

When I stepped into the "lifestyle" structure and rules were among the things I craved. They go right along with my need for service. I still need and desire rules, structure, and service to encompass my submission. This is what I searched for and this is what my Master is trying to give to me. I just need to be more alert and on my toes.

I need to listen and obey. I need to stop talking. Thats so hard for me, as I am a talky person. It just comes out of my mouth  and perhaps I need to practice what I preached to my children. Think before you speak!

I  want to make him happy. If Master isn't happy..I am not happy. I want to be what brings him pleasure and happiness. I want to be enough. Improvement is what I strive for and hope to attain..

I am sorry Master.
I can do better. xx

• Outside my window~ I see a crystal blue sky, hot humid air and a squirrel running atop the wooden fence.
• my thoughts~I made my bed this morning. Fresh sheets that are straight, crisp,smell like roses and I imagined playing, laying and sleeping in my bed, being held while I sleep and dream. Removing the "cob webs" from that side of my bed.

• Today's Quote..."The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of
  others."
  *~ Mahatma Gandhi  ( I do lose myself when I serve and give to him.)

• i am thankful for~Having my house painted by my son and friends. They did a wonderful job and now each time I pull into my drive I can look at my house and smile.
• From my service training~ completing online, (email) assignments from Master. Nothing concrete that I can touch, feel and physically give. I am thankful for anything from Master, for each and every second,minute and hour. I gladly devour every morsel he gives to me.
• From the kitchen~ A picnic menu. Light,cool and refreshing food.
• i am wearing~ Capri Jeans and a black tank top
• i am creating~Painting some furniture this weekend maybe. Writing and hopefully can start working on Master's quilt again soon.
• my adventures this week~Seeing Master at the Eagle on Wednesday and being allowed to visit him for a bit on a work night! That was a first! This weekend, a picnic late evening or even at dark. I saw a few people at the park the other night with a table set eating at nine o'clock or so. The heat is terrible during the day and even early evening.
• Becoming well read~ I am reading Tolstoy's Anna Karenina online and A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius.
• Todays Melody~ This week and Today's music has been jazz and blues. playing lots of hot, soul music.
• One of my favorite things~Visiting my neighbor and grooming her dog, running to the store for her, just helping her out is one of my favorite things that I do. I enjoy just doing for her. Like me, it's only her. Her children are grown and/or  busy all the time and she is a widow. So in a way I can relate.
• Tuesday's Lecture~ Master's Time. I know he needs his time, just as I do. We both have our hobbies and families. I miss him so very much during are "off" weekends. I try to stay extra busy and focused on the half full glass.
• Picture of the week~ Yes, I wish he were here.

Wow what a weekend Master and I shared!

I always feel owned. However, when I lay eyes on Him, smell him and feel him, that reinforces everything.

Finally the table of shame was shined, Master, kept going over it, so I did not clean and shine it alone. It was a co-cleaning, co-polishing effort.

My usual chore of cleaning His bathroom was also completed. Kissing the spot where Master's ass rests makes me always close my eyes and I imagine him sitting there.

The kitchen was swept and mopped. I am so appreciative that Master allowed me to use a regular mop. In the past, I have always scrubbed the floor on my knees. The last time I cleaned it on my knees, it hurt really bad then and for a few days after. (I am getting old and useless.)

Serving Master brings me pleasure and happiness. I can't give him perfect beauty, riches, or a perfect submissive. I can give him my best.

I was allowed to defrost the food that I brought and Master enjoyed the sauce that I made from the peppers that we found at an area market.

Pistachio ice cream: How sweet is it that Master found my favorite ice cream and we shared some. Why my Master can be and is sweeter than any ice cream.

Oh and no, never would I or will I forget the magic pink butterfly. Master and I drove to an adult store and he picked out a cute pink butterfly vibrator. OMG, never in my 39 years have I gushed and enjoyed multiple orgasms like I did with Master this weekend. It wasn't just the butterfly, it was also having Master there between my legs. He kept the butterfly at his home (pouts), I guess that is for the best as I would become addicted and have a pink butterfly in my panties all the time...

Master also purchased another toy, that I am writing about...for his eyes only.

On the drive home, I smiled and started missing him as I listened to the radio and replayed our weekend together. There is no man, never has been one that I trust so deeply. My Master knows me like no one else.

Computer problems visited Master on Tuesday this week, thus preventing my weekly lecture. That could not be helped. I really, really, really missed it. It's one of those things that you have together, that you become accustomed to sharing and I never want to take it for granted.

Wishes are sometimes vain, superfluous and not realistic. If I had the power of wishing and know that it would come true, I would wish my Master would call me when "shit" happens.I wouldn't think "anything" about a call. It would not mean  that our relationship was more than what he wants..I would think Master is being considerate.Really I prefer not to talk to Master when he is having computer issues. He isn't a happy camper. I am female and I am one who enjoys routine and when I wait, and hear the thunderstorms outside..I worry. On a lighter note, I do have fantasies,  I confess, I do have the fantasy about him calling me, and getting me off on the phone...wouldn't take much..I am a wet, three holed slut every minute of the day...but I get that in real life which is much better.

Not sure what my weekend will hold for me, as I haven't made concrete plans with anyone, other than a visit to my best friend's daughter's 10th birthday party. "Aunt Maggie" will make an appearance, give Bre a kiss and watch her blow out her candles. No cake for me, the fatter fattest fat girl! I have done really well this week with walking and controlling what I eat and I have felt  good physically this week.

I hope my Master will allow me to do for him while we are apart, this gives me purpose and gives to me the feeling that I am giving to him. That's all i want to do..is to give and make him happy.

Quote of the Week:
 Trust men and they will be true to you; treat them greatly, and they will show themselves great.~Ralph Waldo Emerson


What I am reading: 
Candles Burning by Tabitha King and a collection of poetry by Longfellow
My favorite food of the week:
zucchini stir fried with onions and garlic..YUM
Music or song that I really enjoyed this week:
I'll meet You halfway by the black eyed peas     

Excitement!

I absolutely can not wait! I am on the edge of my seat, I take breaths of anticipation, My mind, heart and body are ready to serve, please and enjoy. I am seeing Master this weekend!!!


It's awesome that I still feel this excitement.. Master and I are nearly on our third year together and I can honestly say  the excitement of seeing him, the anticipation of serving and feeling him still runs rampant.

I have a special ritual that I follow, "do" before I see him. One part is sadly put on hold. I am not allowed to bring lunch or dinner to share with Master. He reasons that it is a distraction and for awhile he wants to focus on me, his gracie hole and that it will return..(I should smile, I am lucky..) It just feels like something is missing from my ritual that I have personally done for him for awhile now. He took that away..for now. I hope soon I can add it back to my routine.

Also in the past I picked a special night for both of us...now it seems it's only my night now and it just isn't the same now. I miss that and don't look forward to choosing just my "night". ..Sounds kinda one sided.
Change isn't always good or for the best, and maybe not always a necessity. Shrugs, I just miss it, nothing I can do about it.


This week has been a good week, the  long days of  work leads to a few nice days away from the grind.
I have been busy in my ""free"" time with assignments from Master and I am very thankful for those. They keep me busy and as I work on them, I think about my Master.
This week's quote:
"The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware." ~Henry Miller


My favorite dish or food this week:
 Tomatoes, fresh, locally grown tomatoes!

Tuesday's Lecture:
LISTEN

 What am I reading?
The Bonesetter's Daughter  by: Amy Tan and  A book of poetry by Ralph Waldo Emerson

Music this week:
Lady gaga video HOT!  

Improvements

Summer is near. The air is beginning to be hot and thick. The sky is blue and the evening thunderstorms that occur in the summer are the perfect background noise for thoughts, evening day dreaming and reflection. I enjoy every season, Autumn is my favorite season, I count the summer days. The count ceases  when I see the first leaf turn and I feel that morning crispness that one can only feel when things are preparing for their soon to come winter rest.

 The last week there has been at least a few moments of thunder, hard rain and bright cracks of lightning. The last week or so I have had moments of reflection along with the evening thunderstorms.


I have thought about self improvement. Losing weight, (when is that NOT on the list) laying down the cigarettes, and using my time more wisely. None of these things are easy to accomplish. I tread on. Do I dare wander into the phrase "One Day At A Time?".It's kinda like the movie ground hog day..I keep living the same day over and over, Another catch phrase: "I think I can, I think I can"...I hope to replace with "Yes, I can, Yes, I can." Or I could become the past tense version of the Nike slogan "Just Do it." commercial and I can say "I did it!"

Another area of self-improvement that I desire is in my submission to my Master. Our relationship is no different than any other relationship. It does have its ups, downs and limitations. Sometimes the limitations make me feel less. The downs sometimes make me cry. The UPS are what I try to grab and hold onto. It's not always easy. To err is human.

I miss my Master. It is not easy to be away from the one you serve and worship. The craving to give, serve and please is sometimes over whelming. I try to expend some of that energy to others in my life. I try to give and please them...it just isn't the same.


I just want my Master to know that even though we hit our bumps, when I have my moments of non clarity, that I do respect, trust, adore and love him. The bumps aren't fun, but are necessary for a relationship to grow and continue.


I read this week about a ring that was made by a characters friend.. He was showing it the ring to someone who has asked about the ring. He said "See these indentations? He told me they were to remind me that there are a lot of bumps in life and that I should remember what lies between them. Love, Friendship, and hope."


xx



 

I still feel Master. Even after a weeks passing, I can still see Him on my body. I wonder if he does me as well? Did I leave a mark somehow or somewhere...so that he may continue to feel and see me? xx

Reflection on my service...and I have an itch..

I have an "itch".

I am a bondage barbie, pain princess, a pig for His BOOTS, and a service kind of girl all wrapped up in one package. It has been weeks and I have an "itch."


While I submit in heart and mind while apart from my Master: I crave to feel Him in person.

Today my thoughts have been directed at service. I want to serve Him, give to Him and ultimately please Him.

Often I ask anything? Anything that I can do for You Master?

I do crave to worship his cock, feel his bondage and fly with his pain.. I crave even more so His pleasure in anything that I can give to him and in anything I can do for Him.

I found an email I wrote two years ago. Master had asked me about my perception of service. We were fairly new together at this time and I enjoyed the opportunity that allowed me to voice my view of service.

January 22, 2008

I would like to begin with saying "Thank you". No one has never asked me what service is or what it means to me. Over the last few days, I have thought often about that question and will try to the best of my ability to put into words what service means to me. Again, thank you Daddy Sir for asking. xx

This is how i feel about service. I haven't had a lot of experience with service. However, i know what i feel and who i am. xx

Service is what i do as a submissive to please. My service is offered to meet my Sir's needs and desires. Whether i am being masso to his sadist, his friend, his lover, his sex partner or serving him domestically. No one thing is beneath me in service to him. His needs and pleasures come first. Pleasing him, making him happy, and making his day/life easier meets the need that i have to serve.


i  like to use the adage "it's better to give than to receive", to describe the service part of myself. It isn't always the action of service, it is the attitude and thought processes that i go through. That is my core. My service submissive core. It also means that i take the good with the bad. Just because it isn't something i wouldn't like to do, doesn't mean i wouldn't do it. Again, much better to give to you and put your needs and desires first.


Serving you would be through the way that i behave, obey, carry out tasks, the way that i talk, walk, carry myself and serve you sexually.. Service is dedication to one. Serving would be pleasing you. Putting you at ease and making you happy. Service is a thought, an action. Thoughts and actions that are centered around you.


 i am  learning to ask to speak. Learning how to ask if there is anything that i can do for you Sir. Sir, may i massage you, Sir, may i make you a coffee, Sir, may i sweep your floor and scrub it, Sir, may i clean your ashtray,  Sir, may i iron or fold your laundry. Sir, may i service you sexually? The list can be infinite.


 i do want to offer service. i crave not only the things that we talk about and do, i crave serving you in many other ways. i crave to give you service, to put your desires and needs first. i want to do for you without being asked or being told to do. i want to see you smile when i offer service and do for YOU. . i really hope to please you in this area of service  the next time we meet. xx


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I smiled as I read over this email I wrote so long ago. We've come a long way Master..

xx