I am, I am, I am.................

Lately we haven't spent much time together. I haven't had an overnight or even a 24 hour visit in months.

I'm not suppose to say or be anything but happy with it as it is....

Maybe I'm just worth the extra time..I'm not "good enough" for the effort.

I have to say he has been busy making paddles. Sometimes men are so one tracked. Only focusing on one task at a time. Ouch..is that what I just called myself.."a task"? I'm not going to fight for attention..

Yeah I'm "beating" myself up today.. Maybe it's PMS? shrugs.

After being told I am old since I am 40 and that we can just wait another weekend to see each other because I have family commitments on Saturday afternoon, I am pretty down on myself today.

I didn't say much when I was told that. It really doesn't matter. He doesn't want or need to see me. It doesn't matter that I want and need to see him. I would have been told to shut up or called an asshole. So I am venting here.

What about all the times I have understood when he had commitments?

What do you do when you love your Master and he doesn't love you back?

What do you do when you're down on yourself?

I hope by venting I can just get it out and get it over with...I know I am special. I'm nearly one in a million, well 500,000(lil smile).

I'm going to do what my Ma'am,mentor and friend tells me to do: Put your big girl panties on and stop fucking crying about it. Just gotta love her.

I AM SPECIAL. I AM NOT OLD. I AM SMART AND MATURE. I AM A GOOD PERSON AND FRIEND. I AM NOT SECOND RATE. I AM..I AM...I AM...YES SAM I AM. (NOT SMART ASS MASOCHIST).

xx

Reach Inside of Me please Master.

Yes, reach inside of me please Master.... Take everything in which I have.. If it is nasty, so be it. Take all of my dignity, all of my self control, take everything because I want to give it to you Master.

xx

Reflections...a 'lil personal growth

Today I bit my lower lip.

I'm craving.

I bit my lower lip because I am hungry.

I am craving.

Starving actually.

For His touch. His smell and the sound of his boots.

For the feel of my body being bound.

His cane hitting against my ass.

Feeling pain for atonement.

Crying for mercy and it not being granted.

And looking up at my Master..

and seeing

Forgiveness

Understanding

Lust

Dominance

as he sees,feels and allows

my submission......................

I haven't visited here in such a long time. Life gets busy and such is life.

However, it does not matter how busy you are, or how exhausted you are to take some time for some very much needed reflection. Reflection and thought can helps solve problems, initiate growth and sometimes it just gives you the time and strength to settle down, gather your emotions and grip reality. People don't understand me sometimes and the the things that I do. Hell, sometimes I can't understand myself.

The relationship that I share with Master was going great until I threw a Monkey wrench. No idea why I did. What I did was not out of distrust, jealousy, or being a bratty submissive. After a week of thinking, reflection and lots of tears I have come to realize that I sometimes act/react out of fear.

Things were great and maybe subconsciously I was afraid of losing what was great. You hear or read about situations all the time. People won't let anyone else love them, or people put up an angry persona or walls because they are afraid. Maybe they do this because they have low self esteem, their past haunts them or they are afraid of being happy, comfortable and perhaps they are afraid of themselves.

I know its not low self esteem, that brings that fear and enables me to fuck things up. Maybe it is because I have never had a happy, lasting relationship before Master and I have a fear of someone better, prettier, younger and “more submissive than myself will magically appear and take my Master away? Maybe I throw monkey wrenches and interrupt our relationship because I fear abandonment? Do I think it's too great/good to be true?

Hating to use the old cliche or term “it relates back to my past” I can only imagine maybe that is where my fear derives.

During the time I took to reflect these moments in my life continued creeping into my thoughts:

As a child my mother would disappear for days, weeks and sometimes months. Living with family members I never knew when she would come back for me.

This was while she was married to my father and later divorced.

From the age of 5 until 10 I did not see my father. He started a new family with a new wife. I can remember being in the store and looking at other grown men, wondering is that dad? It kind of looks like him.

When I did see him again, I lived with him for nearly a year until mom decided she wanted her turn to fuck me up a little more.

She died young too. I forgave her for my childhood. But dammit why did she have to leave so young?

My brother, who I practically raised, died young too. I loved him not only like a sister but as a surrogate mother as well. Why did he leave so young?

My marriage ended when I heard the words; “I don't love you anymore.”..yet another person leaving me..

Adding all of the above circumstances in my mind,I cried and had a pity party and then I threw back the covers, rose out of my bed and thought to myself. Your past is just that THE PAST. What others have done and what has HAPPENED has nothing to do with the here and now.

While coming to terms and owning this reality of fear, I keep telling myself Master has done nothing to even cause me to fear. I love him so very much and I fear losing him like I have lost others that I have loved.

It may appear as distrust the way I reacted. However, it is fear that rears its ugly self and my mind races and my heart spasms and cramps...and as I write, doesn’t fear open the door for distrust in one's mind and heart?....I think a light bulb just went off. I had a “slap my forehead and I could have had a V8 moment.”

Does fear and distrust go hand in hand? I think they feed off of each other.

It has taken me nearly 40 years for this “ah ha” moment. Now I know what I need to work on and get over it. FEAR. Owning it is a good start.

I know things aren't always crystal clear or perfectly perfect. Life wouldn't be life it it were.

Apologies have been sent to my Master. They were sincere and I hope he see me for my plusses and not my faults.

He's not only my Master, he is my best friend and so much more...

Oh dear, I sound like a basket case. Honestly, I'm only slightly damaged goods. Smile.

xx

Oh What got into Daddy?...xx

I visited with my Master Daddy Sir last weekend and a week later I am STILL smiling and WONDERING...what got into Daddy?


He used me like he hasn't in quite sometime. Oh how humiliating it is to have one's self exposed, ass in the air and Daddy right behind You using, stretching and working my holes. Humiliating but HOT!

He took me downstairs and led me into the room that we play in often and to my surprise there was a futon bed, made up with a sheet (plastic underneath blush) and several layers of towels (another blush), the red straps he had brought to my house once were fixated onto the bed too. I laid down, Daddy secured my wrists and ankles and proceeded to hurt me in the good way that we both enjoy. I couldn't rub my tender ass, I could twist and turn away, which I might add, he enjoyed immensely.

My favorite toy of the night was Daddy's belt and hands. The Sjambok, it is scary to me and is the only implement that has made me safe word. Maybe it's a mental thing. Who knows, but that Sjambok is a real punishment to me.

After I worshiped his cock, His boots, and he played with me until the tears flowed, we both laid down together on the bed, downstairs and slept together...


My Master, Daddy, Sir can't always give me what I want, but He does try so hard to give me what I need and always on his terms and that makes me a VERY lucky girl. xx

A Romantic Dream and a cry in reality xx

I walked across the damp lawn, pulling my sinking heels out of the mud. The mud made a sucking sound with each step that I took. It's very hard to walk sexy while wearing heals and sinking in the mud. One can't sway her hips, over even give her a going over with her fingers. You just sink, pull up your foot and make sucking sounds.


The door opened for me and there was not a cast of light welcoming me. When the door opened it exposed darkness.

Two steps into the doorway, my bag was lifted off of my shoulder, my purse was taken from my hand and placed onto the floor.

My eyes adjusted, and I did see the light. Tiny candles were flickering. Candles had been placed on each stair, leading up into a darker darkness.

I sucked in my breath as my clothes were being removed.As my flesh was being exposed, soft, flitting kisses danced across inches of soft skin.  Piece by piece my clothing  fell to the floor. Hands ran down my legs, paused and removed my heels, each foot was kissed.

and yet not one word was exchanged. The atmosphere and the actions were the only communication.

The darkness arrives once again as a blindfold covers my eyes. He takes my hand and pulls me, and I follow him.

Ascending the steps, I can not count them. In the silence and in my darkness I follow. A short pause and a kiss to my lips, I can feel the light heat from the tiny candle on my bare ankle.

Continuing upward, we turn and I feel t hat I am in a room.

He walks around me. I can feel his steps going around my body. I feel his kisses covering my body. I feel his mouth sucking my nipples and his tongue licking my neck.

After a kiss to each covered eye; He places a ring around my neck and I feel it's coldness and I hear the sound of a lock.

He stops,  and his hands are gently placed on my shoulders as he pushes me down. Without a word, I follow and I am now sitting.

His hands placed once again gently on my shoulders to signal me to lay down. I laid down.

My hands were held together as the rope bound them together and I felt the pull of rope as I was being tied down.

A soft gag is placed into my mouth and he lays beside me.

Silence can be deafening. When on breaks the silence it is surprisingly alarming.

I am laying there blindfolded,gagged and tied with rope. I am stripped down not only from my lack of clothing am i exposed. My senses are exposed, my mind and my heart.

and he breaks the silence with words...Whispers that only a man who owns me can whisper...

"You are a good girl"

"You belong to me."

"I never want to lose you."

"You are special to me."

"Your my slave and so much more."

 "I love you."

"No longer will you sleep on the floor, yes there still be cage time, no longer will you feel worthless on a hard floor. I want you to feel as special as you are to me." Master's are strong, but you have shown me how to accept it is okay to be giving. It reinforces that you, my slave mean so very much to me."

I cried hearing those words and that is when I realized where I was lying. My Master had finally taken me to his bed. Which meant I am special, and also meant that he trusted me.

I was also crying when I woke up. It made me sad to awake to my reality and not be in his bed. I cried because my dream was so romantic...

A bed is just an object. Everyone has one. But for me, that is something I dream about often and this is first time I have shared my dream...

Am i worthy? In my eyes it doesn't change our relationship, it enhances.

Three years and I have yet to be in my Master's bed...

What's wrong with me that after three years he wouldn't want to share his bed with me?

I dream about that intimacy often...

I'm cute, sexy, fem, wanton, lustful, and pleasing...who wouldn't want me in their bed

and the winner for BEST PERFORMANCE goes to.........................

Today is the day before Christmas Eve. I enjoyed a breakfast with my sons this morning and I am preparing for hopefully a short work day tomorrow. (Nurses are never allowed time off for each and every holiday).

I sit here in my comfy gown, sipping my warm coffee and ponder the holidays.

I plan on spending some time with my Father along with his "other family" and will see my sons for a bit on Christmas Day. (It sucks having to share sometimes).

Comfortable in my own company, I can't help but to feel lonely sometimes and the holidays do reinforce some of my loneliness. How I would love to have my house over running with my sons, their significant others and have that special someone in my life beside me as well.


Don't get me wrong, I'm happy. I just do not enjoy being alone on the holidays. I will paint my face along with my smile, be and do what I have to do for the holidays. Don't be surprised if I win an Oscar for this year's performance.

and if he only had asked..Had asked me just ONCE what I wanted for Christmas, What I wanted from Santa....

I would have said...All I want for Christmas...is for you to love me.

xx

Just Me Xx

Outside my window~ It is VERY cold this morning. I walked a mile and my teeth were chattering...I wore a tshirt sweater and my jacket and my nipples still ached.


My thoughts~ Enjoying the quiet...but this week/end I have really felt just alone. Sometimes I wish I could mean everything to someone, just anyone. I enjoy my independence, but sometimes its just nice to have someone beside you...Not all the time, just sometimes. Maybe it's hormones, maybe the way I have thought is a realization..who knows, i just hope it passes soon. (thats my weekly whine.)


Today’s Quote~Just a few words that caught my attention and thoughts as I read them a few months ago..Words that described her and i think sometimes me too:.

"Humger Thump"

"Nymphomania of the brain"

"Starvation of the Heart"


 

My Service~ I wish I could do more for Master..


From the Kitchen~ No idea yet today, just something healthy an NO DIET DINNER TODAY.


I am wearing~ A long sleeve tshirt and jogging pants...the fashion police should be beating my door down.


I am creating~ Working on Master's quilt. I really think it will be completed by the end of the year! I have worked on it on and off for the last two years, these last six months I have really concentrated on getting it completed.


My adventures this week~ Last weekend I saw Master and as always I had a wonderful time. ( I miss him so much this weekend.). I visited my son and his significant other yesterday in Chattanoooga.


What I am Reading~ All He Ever Wanted...by Anita Shreve.    (I wish I were all He ever wanted)


Music this Week~ Just radio music (Note to self to download some Rod Stewart, his newer songs)



Tuesday’s Lecture~ Putting Master FIRST, second and third. Wearing nylons, with runs or a new pair is putting Master first. Wearing heels is putting Master first. Giving a good Hand Job and being the hand job queen is putting Master first. Good girl you did a good job this week and it is ok sometimes not to get everything done on th e todo list. As long as you looked at it and thought about it and did a REAL EFFORT  to get things done.

Me Xx

Outside my window~ The moon is bright and full. I walked tonight and my eyes were drawn upwards to the sky, the moon and stars are beautiful tonight.


My thoughts~ Excited and elated to see Master tomorrow!


Today’s Quote~The secret of making dreams come true can be summarized in four C's. They
are Curiosity, Confidence, Courage, and Constancy; and the greatest of these
is Confidence.
*- Walt Disney


I am thankful for~soup on chilly evenings..coffee too.


My Service~ Working on my assignments.


From the Kitchen~Diet dinners..ugh. They are quick and easy but after awhile the taste just isn't great.


I am wearing~ A red shirt and black nylonish workout pants..no no NOT spandex h ahahha


I am creating~ Work continues on the quilt, i am almost finished with Seth's Monkey robe.


My adventures this week~ Last weekend I visited Cade's Cove in the mountains, spent the night and completed my Christmas Shopping. It was a nice getaway...


What I am Reading~ Almost finished with Decision Points...will finish tonight.


Music this Week~ Nothing special this week...just listened to the radio..think I would like to copy some of Rod Stewart's New music..it's soft, flowing and easy listening. My favorite time to listen to music is while driving back and forth to work...keeps me off the cell phone haha.


One of my Favorite things~ Lip gloss and or chap stick...walking in the cold weather dries the lips..no worry they are nice and soft ..yay for chap stick at night and lipstick during the day.


Tuesday’s Lecture~  Rule number 1  and how I have been doing incredibly good. It's hard sometimes to remember, I enjoy talking way too much and especially to Master. The lecture also had a part two..to make time for service this weekend.


Picture of the Week~

Just Me ....Xx

Outside my window~ The sky is gray, it is raining and the air has a chill. This kind of weather always seems to slow me down. I enjoy curling up and reading a book on cold, rainy days. Snuggling in bed is always fun too..Wish I had someone to snuggle with this weekend...


My thoughts~ Missing my Daddy. I wish I could spend more time with him. I guess that is a normal (typical) wish. When I am at home alone and my thoughts have time to wander, I wish I were serving and doing for Him.


Today’s Quote~ "Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you're
going to do now and do it."
*– William C. Durant*


I am thankful for~ Being able to vote. Currently I am watching a new series on HBO, its based in the 1920's and it hits here and there on the suffrage movement. Yes, I voted this week. Daddy did not ask. But yes I voted..and to my dismay seems the republicans have gained control of the House of Reps. Tuesday..and we have a new Republican governor as well. Oh well, I am optimistic and not a die hard Democrat, surely things will get better.......


My Service~ The last time I saw Daddy I did not have time to clean, fill up ice trays or serve him domestically. It was a short maybe 10 hour visit. I'm downloading and doing my weekly assignments. Those are assignments, to keep me occupied I guess..It isn't the same as giving and doing something concrete and physical for Daddy.


From the Kitchen~ I have chicken boiling with veggies. I will shred the chicken and use it and the broth in a lentil stew I want to prepare and freeze for Daddy.


I am wearing~ A pink tshirt and jeans


I am creating~On my ironing board there are parts of Daddy's quilt, Seths new robe cut out and ready to sew, and on the sofa are the three pieces of wood that I plan to paint my favorite words "quote" onto and hang up.."Live, Laugh,Love" each piece of wood will have one of the words.


My adventures this week~Nothing exciting. I attended family reading night with Seth. I did not meet with my ""student"" this week, he was working overtime at the local cotton mill. He promised me he would do double time next with me. hahhaa.


What I am Reading~ I have so many other projects at this time, I haven't read anything much other than the Times and the Atlanta Journal. I have pre ordered my copy of Mark Twain's autobiography. I look forward to taking some free, me time to read that.


Music this Week~ Rhianna's part two. Its the second part to "Love the way You lie." The lyrics are very pretty, strong and emotional.


One of my Favorite things~ kissing my Daddy's picture and boots each night before I fall to sleep.


Tuesday’s Lecture~the IMPORTANCE of keeping up to day on the TODO LIST.

I'm not really allowed to comment during Tuesday's Lecture. So I type my thoughts here on my blog. I read the todo list often and I try my best to do everything on it. Daddy has no idea how much I wish I were granted the time to complete everything I am suppose to do. When I don't, I never say anything but I feel like I have failed or not served well. It debases my purpose and I feel like a sorry slave. There is only so much time and Daddy decides when we will spend time together, I can't be perfect, but I don't think I should be in err for something I have no control over.


Picture of the Week~  

Me xx

Outside my window~ The sky is a pretty shade of blue and the wind is rustling through the changing leaves, scattering a few and some hold on not wanting to let go. One would think it was spring time. As I sat on my back porch, I closed my eyes and listened to the birds...I think they are also thankful that the weather is much nice and not scorching hot.


My thoughts~ Missing. I missed the soccer game this morning. It was canceled. I missed seeing Nate. He came by while I was out shopping. I missed my Master online..Well I always miss him when not with him.


Today’s Quote~ I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past.
- Thomas Jefferson



I am thankful for~ Open windows in my house. After being closed all summer it is nice to have them open and very nice to feel the air blowing inside.


My Service~ I am late on my weekly assignments and I sucked at the downloads this week. Never said I was perfect.I feel bad because I wish I could be perfect...


From the Kitchen~ I haven't "cooked" in a while. I am thinking tomorrow may be chicken and dumplings.YUM.


I am wearing~ Jeans and a black and white top. Soon to change into walking clothes for this evening.


I am creating~ Working on Master's quilt  here and there.


My adventures this week~Oh seeing Master at the Eagle and then receiving maintenance discipline after. I so enjoy our  ritual before we attend the ASS demo/class. That is what it has become, a ritual where we can connect briefly..and gosh i love it! When I see my Master, I want to put my hands all over his body to show that I am happy and hot to see him...and I found myself wishing as we stood at the bar..wanting him to put his hands all over me. Master gave to me my discipline and I enjoyed it so very much. It hurt and felt good at the same time. Now each time when I pause and replay it over in my thoughts..I take a deep breath and think to myself.."that was so fucking hot".I bite my bottom lip and think I want it again and more of it! I am very very lucky.


What I am Reading~ Listening to Seth read most nights. He enjoys reading very much so. I had a meeting Thursday with his teachers and one told me the cutest story. It was time for the class to go to another class to watch a movie and Seth was reading his book, the rest of the class had lined up and left, the teacher had to come back and get Seth..he was that into reading his book.


Music this Week~ Making a few cd's of new/old music.


One of my Favorite things~Cinnamon candy. The red hard candy in red wrappers. For some reason this time of year is when I always crave it. Maybe cinnamon reminds me of cool weather and warm blankets?


Tuesday’s Lecture~ Just because the best laid plans get a bit screwed doesn't mean the end of the world (actually more for me this lecture) as am pissed workjing on folks computer and haven't walked yet)..Was a short lecture as Master was busy. No, it doesn't mean the end of the world. However, every minute I get to share with him is special. I survived haha. I am looking so forward to his visit next weekend..no big plans, just do what we want to do etc al.


Picture of the Week~

Me xx

Outside my window~ I saw the moon welcoming the morning sun. The moon was faint, however it was there. Fall is right around the corner.


My thoughts~ Just thinking about what my day and weekend will be like. Going over my "to do" list mentally. It hasn't been a great week and I hope that this weekend will make up for that.


Today’s Quote~ "Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a
habit."
– Peter Ustinov



I am thankful for~  Scales that go down and not up when I step on them.


My Service~ Not really downloading atm due to technical difficulties. I am doing my weekly assignments....


From the Kitchen~ Special K cereal, tuna, tomatoes and lots of Chicken this week. I have lost 2 more pounds. I am also planning a meal for when Master visits in October.


I am wearing~ Tshirt and panties


I am creating~ My sewing machine is out and set up now. That is progress. I want to work on Master's quilt, that will  help me to smile.


My adventures this week~ I saw Master last weekend and it was a wonderful weekend. I took Seth to his soccer game last night, we won. My "student" is learning fast and I really enjoy those few hours each week that I am teaching, helping and giving back.


What I am Reading~ Nothing, I haven't had anything handy to interest me this week and don't think I could concentrate or be still long enough to actually sit down and read.


Music this Week~ I added a few more songs to my walking play list, which means the longer the music plays, the longer I walk.


One of my Favorite things~Full moons that light up the night sky and I can't stop my eyes from looking up and wondering if he is looking at the moon too.


Tuesday’s Lecture~ I accept that it was a lecture. .


Picture of the Week~

The butterfly girl....xx

Outside my window~ I haven’t looked today outside my window. The blinds are closed and the curtains are shut. Dow took Seth and picked him up for me. I feel horrible and look even worse than I feel.


My thoughts~ Sometimes I detest having only yahoo messenger and email to communicate with my Master. It is the only way he will allow, so it has worked….I think. When I need to hear him and talk to him..words typed are all that I have..When there is no tone or voice inflection in typed words things are sometimes misunderstood. I apologized for what I typed, or better yet how I typed it..I am still hurt that my Master would exchange several emails with a male submissive about his cock devices..even got the guys yahoo id, not that Master would use his id..Often I have been told, and I agree with Master that He/I/we can’t control w hat others do…but we can control what WE do………………………………........................So I read the emails..Master wanted to know more about this subs cock device, sent a few emails, and the sub has sent a few more…I did fall into the doms lil trap about the question the night before on another site..my answers were true to my relationship and ownership. I didn’t ask what toys he had, and the conversation was over. I wasn’t on the site to talk to people, or even put myself out there for Im’s or emails..I was there working on my weekly assignment for my Master.  It didn’t make me mad, or angry..just hurt me that he shared emails with a submissive about his cock toys…..Doesn’t matter if male or female..a submissive is a submissive.
I didn’t insult our relationship, our panties ..In my hurt heart this time I know I wasn’t wrong..and I guess or wish I could just not care who he talks with, and even then not sure that is a good thing either. Just saying I would never do that with another Dom or even Domme. He is my Master and I don‘t want to control what he does, so I guess I need to realize that he can email or chat with ever whom he pleases. Doesn’t mean I have to accept that. I am over it and do not care to discuss this anymore after typing it out.  I didn’t deserve to be called a bitch.


Today’s Quote~ “When the heart speaks, the mind finds it indecent to object.” - Milan Kundera


I am thankful for~ Every day. I have a pretty picture on my phone now with a caption. It states: “We are only given today and never promised tomorrow. Be sure to tell someone that you love them“. I am thankful every day that I wake up and can tell someone that I love them. I sometimes wish to hear those words. But I don’t give my love with expectations..I give it freely, so it’s a wonderful thing…every day.


My Service~ I give all that my Master allows me to give, and I hope what I can give is enough, that he is happy. I am not perfect, my fetish isn’t cleaning..it is service and cleaning is grouped into that. I am not a house girl/maid..but a submissive with a slave’s heart that longs to serve her Master. I am just me.


From the Kitchen~ Nothing, I can’t taste and Seth made popcorn in the microwave while waiting on his dad to pick him up.


I am wearing~ tshirt, shorts, yellow panties, no bra and my black satin slippers.


I am creating~ Nothing, I can’t stop crying, sneezing and coughing long enough to touch anything. Its bad luck/karma to create or even to work on something when you hurt, or you’re just not yourself. It shows in what you create.


My adventures this week~ Master’s rope last weekend. While I can’t feel it on my body now..I can still feel it in my soul and mind. Our weekend together was great.


What I am Reading~ The Alchemist. I read this once a year. It’s time. I need the words and thoughts.


Music this Week~listening to my walking music makes walking much easier.

Me xx

Outside my window~ It is dark and quiet on my little street tonight.


My thoughts~……………………………............


Today’s Quote~ “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi


I am thankful for~ Life’s little surprises. They happen when you least expect it. Serendipity.


My Service~ Weekly emails due on Friday and downloads.


From the Kitchen~Maybe tuna salad wraps or Master’s pitas..oh and maybe a salad too..not sure just yet.


I am wearing~ black workout pants and a pink tshirt. I walked late tonight and have yet to soak in my bubble bath.


I am creating~ Continuing to work on story…wrote to/for Master this week too..


My adventures this week~ Staying busy in the evening with Seth. Going to soccer practice (golf for his dad cold weather is soon..oh my insert eye roll) Family reading night, homework and calling after him as he skates down the road to come back and put his helmet on!


What I am Reading~ Harvesting the Heart by Jodi Picoult


Music this Week~ Music on my phone as I walked..


One of my Favorite things~ The small packages of flavoring that I add to my water. Today I had 8 bottles! The flavor packets really help with water consumption.


Tuesday’s Lecture~ What are the important things to remember? 1.Type listening when being lectured. 2. Rule #1  3. Ask if Master wants a beverage often. 4. Always keep a hand on Master’s pussy.  5. Slap Master’s cock now and then


Picture of the Week~

Me....Xx

Outside my window~ The air was crisp this morning. Could fall be near? Some see fall as the end of summer. The end that is signaled by falling leaves, pretty flower petals falling to the ground and the animals preparing for the winter. I see fall as an awakening similar to spring. It is a new season, a fresh season even with everything preparing for it’s winter slumber. In the fall, the air is crisp. Gone is the hot, humid days of summer. Cool winds sometimes blow in the fall and this uplifts my spirit and I wish for the new fall winds to carry me away. I wish I were a pretty yellow, red or orange leaf traveling in the fall wind.


My thoughts~ My to-do list. I think I have a little mouse ( EWWW) running on a wheel in my head sometimes. I think..”this has to be done, then this, oh and next do that.” I crave an empty mind this morning. Tired of thinking and escapism is the word on the tip of my tongue..and the word right behind the word escapism, it rests in the middle of my tongue, resting and causing me to salivate..rope..


Today’s Quote~ “There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.” -Beverly Sills




I am thankful for~ The ability to give and do for others, the ability to surrender my control and power to my Master. Perhaps it is a strange way to word things. I am a independent woman, mother and submissive with a slave’s heart. I help others because I always think if I were in their position, I would want someone to understand and care about where I was in life. My submission I give freely to my Master. It’s very special to me that I can let go and at the same time I remain strong in my submission. Wouldn’t a Master prefer a independent submissive? I do have my desires and needs, However, I don’t depend on anyone to fulfill all of them, part of that is up to me.  Okay I am rambling…hope I delivered my point with a little bit of clarity.


My Service~ I continue to do my weekly assignments. I have been lax in reporting my orgasms and audio time. I have tried to stay away from the computer when Master isn’t home. So I forget to report. If I could wish, I would wish for a day to serve Master in anyway that He wants. It has been a long time since I have done any cleaning and I miss that. There never seems to be enough time. I think it has been 2 months since I have stayed over night with Master…


From the Kitchen~ I made curry for Sir this week. Lots of spinach salads this week! Lots of chicken in my kitchen this week. If I grow feathers, will Master pluck them for me? Giggle.


I am wearing~ Jeans and a grey/black tshirt. Along with the cherry heart panties I slept in last night.,


I am creating~ Writing. It isn’t always easy but I am letting some of those “to do” things go for a little while as I start to devote some of my time to writing.


My adventures this week~ Seeing Master Wednesday night. He was so hot, and I was so wet and excited. Master fucked me twice and left my pussy tender the next day…I still feel tingles each time that I pause and think about it and I smile, tingle, bite my lower lip every time I think about NYLON.


What I am Reading~ I haven’t started a new book this week. That is not a bad thing. Some of my extra time has been spent on working out, better meal planning, homework with Seth and soccer practice.





One of my Favorite things~ The smell of fresh cut grass…and it wasn’t cut by me! HaHaHa


Tuesday’s Lecture~ Sometimes small things are big things. Like little undies or small postcards. I adore small undies and each postcard has made me smile BIG.

Picture of the Week~ I wish I could be right there…and I wished I had a picture of me worshiping Master’s Boots as well….When I am down there, kissing and licking, I feel my submission to my very core. Worshiping Master is one of my most favorite ways that I show him how much I respect, trust and adore Him..

My Week and Day ....Xx

Outside my window~ It is dark out. I am late getting to my assignments today. As I walked in tonight, I heard the tree frogs "begging" for rain so I went out back and sat on my porch in the dark and just listened to their music for a lil bit.


My thoughts~ Having just completed one of my assignments I realized I really don't like searching for those bondage pics. They make me crave it so badly and of course the girls in the pictures are usually model perfect makes me feel ugly and undesirable when i see that and then realize how badly I want to be tied, bound and played with.


Today’s Quote~ "It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan."
– Eleanor Roosevelt



I am thankful for~ My new  yoga mat. I have been stretching on it and i also use it when i listen to Master's audio.


My Service~ I have only done my assignments and some downloads for Master. It's been awhile since I have cleaned or served him in person and this is too a desire and ache that runs right beside the desire for His bondage and touch.


From the Kitchen~ Baked chicken and a spinach salad..yes am back on that kick again. Thank goodness.


I am wearing~ The hot pink shorts Master bought me and a pink tank top.


I am creating~ Making notes and thoughts about my story and I peeked at Master's quilt..soon I will start working on it steady.


My adventures this week~ I met with my adult "student" this week. I am teaching someone to read. I also met with Master briefly on Wednesday night. It was brief. However, it was a hot and delicious.


What I am Reading~ Fear Of  Flying   By: Erica Jong


One of my Favorite things~ my nightly cup of coffee....and morning coffee with Master of course!


Tuesday’s Lecture~ Drive safely...

Picture of the Week~ Honey is sweet.....Who wouldn't want a taste of Honey?

My Day and such xx

Outside my window~ Clear blue skies, and fresh cut grass.


My thoughts~ Working on me. Missing my Master…

Today’s Quote~ "Dreams come true. Without that possibility, nature would not incite us to
have them."
– John Updike


I am thankful for~ The people who I surround myself with.  They are some amazing people. My family, My Master, friends, neighbors and yes, even my co-workers.


My Service~ I continue to work on what I call email assignments. I call them such because they are emailed. I have completed several downloads for Master.
I saw Master last weekend for a short visit. There wasn’t anytime for me to do the  things I normally do for Him. I felt guilty and unfulfilled.


From the Kitchen~ I actually cooked tonight. I roasted a few fresh yellow squash along with some zucchini. I made roasted chicken breasts with garlic.


I am wearing~ The sexy nightie that Master gave me to wear and my pink sequined panties.. I feel sexy and cute. Wish he wanted to see.


I am creating~ Working on my story.


My adventures this week~ No adventure this week yet. There is a new movie being released Friday night that I want to see. I just need to finish the book first.


What I am Reading~ Eat Love and Pray by Elizabeth Gilbert


Music this Week~ I heard a song that I haven’t heard by Godsmack…Cry Like a bitch..I liked it.


One of my Favorite things~ Laying in my bed or sofa and having no sound  in the house and drifting off to sleep after listening to my Master’s voice and having an orgasm.


Tuesday’s Lecture~ Maggie is doing a good job was this week’s lecture. I hope Master is happy with me. I feel like I never do enough sometimes..I miss him and last Saturday flew by.


Picture of the Week~ Sweet things sometimes are found in the most surprising places….grins.


I miss You Master…xx

My Day xx

• Outside my window~ The thunder roars and the lighting is quick and bright. The sky is dark and the air is wet with RAIN.
• my thoughts~ My to do list in running circles in my head. I think I have a hamster up there running on its wheel.

• Today's Quote.. Really great people make you feel that you, too, can become great." - Mark Twain

• i am thankful for~ Air conditioning! Ice water and the month of October!
• From my service training~ completing online, (email) assignments from Master.
• From the kitchen~ Chicken Salad and maybe an okra salad
• i am wearing~ Khakis and a pink blouse
• i am creating~ Haven't created anything physical. In thoughts and writing I have created.
• my adventures this week~ Driving Nate and Jake to the airport really messed with the start of the week.
•  
• Becoming well read~ Thirteen Moons by Charle's Frazier
• Todays Melody~ I heard OMG by usher today in the car..I always turn that song up loud..makes me want to dance and jiggle
• One of my favorite things~When I step outside and walk back into the house and smell what I have cooking in the kitchen.
• Tuesday's Lecture~ Master's lecture consisted of telling me that I was doing a good job with the to do list that he incorporated a month or so ago. It has helped me and hopefully him as well. Good idea Master!
• Picture of the week~ I am his bound slave. I feel his control and power. I am always below and behind him in his presence and in my thoughts. I am your slave Master.

Early Morning whispers xx

I awoke this morning with my hands between my legs. I awoke this morning with a swollen clit, wet pussy and hard nipples. Laying there I began to enjoy myself as I imagined my Master playing with me. I began to whisper words and thoughts and my body reacted with my naughty, nasty and twisted thoughts.

Your Boots, I hear them, the power and manliness they manifest to me. I want to kneel and worship your boots Master. I want to lick the dust, dirt and shit off of your boots. Shine them with my tongue and give to them soft, fluttering butterfly kisses. Spreading my legs, I look up at you Master as I slide my pussy down onto the toe of your boot and gyrate down onto your boot.

I rub my pussy and suck my nipple as I imagine and whisper out loud: Kick me Master with your boots, kick my ass. Spit on my ass and work the toe of your boot into my tight ass. Stretch me with your boot Master.

I spread my legs wider and the cool air of my bedroom mingles with the hotness of my pussy as I whisper... Master choke me with your cock slap my face and. Grab my hair and push me down, hard and fast onto your cock. Master skull fuck me and see if I swallow my vomit or let it loose all over your cock.....Do i spit or swallow?


My finger slides into my sticky wet pussy hole as I lick my lips with the words ...Oh Master, please bend over and let me kiss your ass. Soft kisses to your wonderful ass. Feel my face parting your ass cheeks as my tongue licks the crack of your ass from top of your ass and flicks your balls.  My tongue projects into your asshole and i push my face harder as I want my tongue deeper into your ass, swirling around attempting to taste all of you.



Two fingers slide and fuck my pussy as I whisper words that I want to say to my Master after I have the taste of his ass on my tongue. Master, I am your nasty, piece of ass worshiping trash. I am your twisted lil fucker. Master, please use me as your full service toilet Master.

As my self fucking grows faster and more intense, thoughts and words just pour out of my mouth. Things I think about, dream about and make me so fucking hot and wet.....

Master, use all of my holes. Penetrate, violate and stretch them.

 Clamps on my pussy, a vibe running rampant on my pussy and my orgasm being denied over and over again...

Insertions in my pussy, anything Master wants to use, even your fingers or fist. Pulling, stretching and sliding up inside of my gushing wetness.

Use my ass please Master. Spit onto my ass Master and slide your cock into my ass. Stretch it with Your fingers and tell me how naughty and nasty I am being an ass girl. Bite my back, pull my hair.

Mark me with bites, sucks, welts and  please pierce me Master.I want to feel you and your bondage between my legs.


Treat me like the animal i am Master, feed me from a bowl on the floor, pull my leash to follow you and throw me in my cage.

Put me in rope Master, oh please bind me and sit and watch me, Not being able to move. I am for your viewing pleasure.

Thoughts of your bondage Master, send me over the edge, I shake, jiggle and then explode for You Master.... I lay there spent, and in afterglow..wishing You had seen how naughty I was this morning..with my actions and my words whispered and even shouted while I laid in my bed, naked and open for you Master.

xx

Part One....A basic need. She waits.

1. She waits and waits. Seems the slut always waits.

2. She craves and craves. Seems the slut always craves.

3. She dreams and dreams. Seems the slut always dreams.

~~~~  Part one of three ~~~~

1. She waits for Him. Either online or waits for the opportunity to see Master in person. Nearly three years into the relationship and there are other things she waits to happen. Master calls these things limits. She calls them basic and human wants and needs. She reflects and thinks about Maslow's hiercy of needs.

Want and needs are different she knows that. Every relationship is based on those being fulfilled. Needs should be fulfilled if possible, and wants can be granted by compromise, or even denied. For her, wants can be appeased.

She isn't allowed to bathe at her Master's house. Once or has it been twice she has asked and Master has said NO?He offered to shorten their time together so she will not have the need to bathe at his home.That is why she has not asked again.  Doesn't he see their time together as precious?  He tells her she will think "too much" of bathing? It makes her feel unworthy and not special. To her its not him being more Masterly. It's him not caring about basic needs. When she has to use a "trick rag/towel" it cheapens her submission and not in a good way.She doesn't feel special or treasured, just an object or weekend plaything when she has to ask for a rag to clean herself with.. She gives him her submission, trust and all that she can and she can't bathe. A basic need.

She always sees the glass half full. However, this is something that has been bothering her for awhile. It hurts her and while the length of her long term relationship is great and the relationship is wonderful, this is one thing that is lacking.

After time can't limits be re-evaluated as respect, trust, friendship and submission have grown and bloomed?

She just needs to be able to bathe. It isn't a grand request or uncomprehending. This is her way of asking and isn't her being bitchy. It's her way of bringing it to the table for discussion. She would never demand anything, as that is her not her nature. She's just asking.

Always Xx 

Lectures ...are needed sometimes...

Master and I enjoyed Wednesday evening together. It was a very special treat to be allowed to visit his home on a weekday. We attended a class together and spent a few hours later at his home. I drove home floating and had happy submissive thoughts all day long on Thursday. I completed my weekly assignments early, had them waiting to be emailed and was waiting on Master to come online. Wow how fast can a bubble be busted? I received a lecture. The previous night I had broke Master's rule.

Master requires me to ask for permission before I speak, and to always answer him with a yes Sir and no Sir. For the life of me I can't get this down to perfection. Am I stupid? Am I suffering from onset of early Alzheimer's Disease? Am I a sorry ass submissive? I fucked up plain and simple.

I waited all day to speak to him, I was still on that submissive high. The tears poured and the self doubt poured as well as I "listened" to the lecture. It's hard when you are told, You didn't  follow the rule, so you were not feeling submissive. Feelings are subjective, they are not objective. If they were objective, we would be mind readers and no one could hide how they feel or think.

So I sat and listened to my Master. The rule is the only real rule that he has. Well it isn't the ONLY rule, but the most IMPORTANT. It's not a hard rule or unrealistic rule. I do not ignore the rule to be disrespectful.

I apologized, and told Master I can do better and I will try. Perfect is something I do not profess to be. Perfection is not attainable or realistic. I have tried in the past with others to be "perfect" and that was self destructive. I embrace the fact that I am a submissive who is human and not perfect.

What I do not embrace or enjoy is knowing I have disappointed Master.  I let him down and by doing so let myself down. I want to obey and follow my Master's rules. That is who I am. I will do better. I can do better.

So what do Master's rules mean to me and how do they define me?

When I stepped into the "lifestyle" structure and rules were among the things I craved. They go right along with my need for service. I still need and desire rules, structure, and service to encompass my submission. This is what I searched for and this is what my Master is trying to give to me. I just need to be more alert and on my toes.

I need to listen and obey. I need to stop talking. Thats so hard for me, as I am a talky person. It just comes out of my mouth  and perhaps I need to practice what I preached to my children. Think before you speak!

I  want to make him happy. If Master isn't happy..I am not happy. I want to be what brings him pleasure and happiness. I want to be enough. Improvement is what I strive for and hope to attain..

I am sorry Master.
I can do better. xx

• Outside my window~ I see a crystal blue sky, hot humid air and a squirrel running atop the wooden fence.
• my thoughts~I made my bed this morning. Fresh sheets that are straight, crisp,smell like roses and I imagined playing, laying and sleeping in my bed, being held while I sleep and dream. Removing the "cob webs" from that side of my bed.

• Today's Quote..."The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of
  others."
  *~ Mahatma Gandhi  ( I do lose myself when I serve and give to him.)

• i am thankful for~Having my house painted by my son and friends. They did a wonderful job and now each time I pull into my drive I can look at my house and smile.
• From my service training~ completing online, (email) assignments from Master. Nothing concrete that I can touch, feel and physically give. I am thankful for anything from Master, for each and every second,minute and hour. I gladly devour every morsel he gives to me.
• From the kitchen~ A picnic menu. Light,cool and refreshing food.
• i am wearing~ Capri Jeans and a black tank top
• i am creating~Painting some furniture this weekend maybe. Writing and hopefully can start working on Master's quilt again soon.
• my adventures this week~Seeing Master at the Eagle on Wednesday and being allowed to visit him for a bit on a work night! That was a first! This weekend, a picnic late evening or even at dark. I saw a few people at the park the other night with a table set eating at nine o'clock or so. The heat is terrible during the day and even early evening.
• Becoming well read~ I am reading Tolstoy's Anna Karenina online and A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius.
• Todays Melody~ This week and Today's music has been jazz and blues. playing lots of hot, soul music.
• One of my favorite things~Visiting my neighbor and grooming her dog, running to the store for her, just helping her out is one of my favorite things that I do. I enjoy just doing for her. Like me, it's only her. Her children are grown and/or  busy all the time and she is a widow. So in a way I can relate.
• Tuesday's Lecture~ Master's Time. I know he needs his time, just as I do. We both have our hobbies and families. I miss him so very much during are "off" weekends. I try to stay extra busy and focused on the half full glass.
• Picture of the week~ Yes, I wish he were here.