Reflections...a 'lil personal growth

Today I bit my lower lip.

I'm craving.

I bit my lower lip because I am hungry.

I am craving.

Starving actually.

For His touch. His smell and the sound of his boots.

For the feel of my body being bound.

His cane hitting against my ass.

Feeling pain for atonement.

Crying for mercy and it not being granted.

And looking up at my Master..

and seeing

Forgiveness

Understanding

Lust

Dominance

as he sees,feels and allows

my submission......................

I haven't visited here in such a long time. Life gets busy and such is life.

However, it does not matter how busy you are, or how exhausted you are to take some time for some very much needed reflection. Reflection and thought can helps solve problems, initiate growth and sometimes it just gives you the time and strength to settle down, gather your emotions and grip reality. People don't understand me sometimes and the the things that I do. Hell, sometimes I can't understand myself.

The relationship that I share with Master was going great until I threw a Monkey wrench. No idea why I did. What I did was not out of distrust, jealousy, or being a bratty submissive. After a week of thinking, reflection and lots of tears I have come to realize that I sometimes act/react out of fear.

Things were great and maybe subconsciously I was afraid of losing what was great. You hear or read about situations all the time. People won't let anyone else love them, or people put up an angry persona or walls because they are afraid. Maybe they do this because they have low self esteem, their past haunts them or they are afraid of being happy, comfortable and perhaps they are afraid of themselves.

I know its not low self esteem, that brings that fear and enables me to fuck things up. Maybe it is because I have never had a happy, lasting relationship before Master and I have a fear of someone better, prettier, younger and “more submissive than myself will magically appear and take my Master away? Maybe I throw monkey wrenches and interrupt our relationship because I fear abandonment? Do I think it's too great/good to be true?

Hating to use the old cliche or term “it relates back to my past” I can only imagine maybe that is where my fear derives.

During the time I took to reflect these moments in my life continued creeping into my thoughts:

As a child my mother would disappear for days, weeks and sometimes months. Living with family members I never knew when she would come back for me.

This was while she was married to my father and later divorced.

From the age of 5 until 10 I did not see my father. He started a new family with a new wife. I can remember being in the store and looking at other grown men, wondering is that dad? It kind of looks like him.

When I did see him again, I lived with him for nearly a year until mom decided she wanted her turn to fuck me up a little more.

She died young too. I forgave her for my childhood. But dammit why did she have to leave so young?

My brother, who I practically raised, died young too. I loved him not only like a sister but as a surrogate mother as well. Why did he leave so young?

My marriage ended when I heard the words; “I don't love you anymore.”..yet another person leaving me..

Adding all of the above circumstances in my mind,I cried and had a pity party and then I threw back the covers, rose out of my bed and thought to myself. Your past is just that THE PAST. What others have done and what has HAPPENED has nothing to do with the here and now.

While coming to terms and owning this reality of fear, I keep telling myself Master has done nothing to even cause me to fear. I love him so very much and I fear losing him like I have lost others that I have loved.

It may appear as distrust the way I reacted. However, it is fear that rears its ugly self and my mind races and my heart spasms and cramps...and as I write, doesn’t fear open the door for distrust in one's mind and heart?....I think a light bulb just went off. I had a “slap my forehead and I could have had a V8 moment.”

Does fear and distrust go hand in hand? I think they feed off of each other.

It has taken me nearly 40 years for this “ah ha” moment. Now I know what I need to work on and get over it. FEAR. Owning it is a good start.

I know things aren't always crystal clear or perfectly perfect. Life wouldn't be life it it were.

Apologies have been sent to my Master. They were sincere and I hope he see me for my plusses and not my faults.

He's not only my Master, he is my best friend and so much more...

Oh dear, I sound like a basket case. Honestly, I'm only slightly damaged goods. Smile.

xx