Lectures ...are needed sometimes...

Master and I enjoyed Wednesday evening together. It was a very special treat to be allowed to visit his home on a weekday. We attended a class together and spent a few hours later at his home. I drove home floating and had happy submissive thoughts all day long on Thursday. I completed my weekly assignments early, had them waiting to be emailed and was waiting on Master to come online. Wow how fast can a bubble be busted? I received a lecture. The previous night I had broke Master's rule.

Master requires me to ask for permission before I speak, and to always answer him with a yes Sir and no Sir. For the life of me I can't get this down to perfection. Am I stupid? Am I suffering from onset of early Alzheimer's Disease? Am I a sorry ass submissive? I fucked up plain and simple.

I waited all day to speak to him, I was still on that submissive high. The tears poured and the self doubt poured as well as I "listened" to the lecture. It's hard when you are told, You didn't  follow the rule, so you were not feeling submissive. Feelings are subjective, they are not objective. If they were objective, we would be mind readers and no one could hide how they feel or think.

So I sat and listened to my Master. The rule is the only real rule that he has. Well it isn't the ONLY rule, but the most IMPORTANT. It's not a hard rule or unrealistic rule. I do not ignore the rule to be disrespectful.

I apologized, and told Master I can do better and I will try. Perfect is something I do not profess to be. Perfection is not attainable or realistic. I have tried in the past with others to be "perfect" and that was self destructive. I embrace the fact that I am a submissive who is human and not perfect.

What I do not embrace or enjoy is knowing I have disappointed Master.  I let him down and by doing so let myself down. I want to obey and follow my Master's rules. That is who I am. I will do better. I can do better.

So what do Master's rules mean to me and how do they define me?

When I stepped into the "lifestyle" structure and rules were among the things I craved. They go right along with my need for service. I still need and desire rules, structure, and service to encompass my submission. This is what I searched for and this is what my Master is trying to give to me. I just need to be more alert and on my toes.

I need to listen and obey. I need to stop talking. Thats so hard for me, as I am a talky person. It just comes out of my mouth  and perhaps I need to practice what I preached to my children. Think before you speak!

I  want to make him happy. If Master isn't happy..I am not happy. I want to be what brings him pleasure and happiness. I want to be enough. Improvement is what I strive for and hope to attain..

I am sorry Master.
I can do better. xx

• Outside my window~ I see a crystal blue sky, hot humid air and a squirrel running atop the wooden fence.
• my thoughts~I made my bed this morning. Fresh sheets that are straight, crisp,smell like roses and I imagined playing, laying and sleeping in my bed, being held while I sleep and dream. Removing the "cob webs" from that side of my bed.

• Today's Quote..."The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of
  others."
  *~ Mahatma Gandhi  ( I do lose myself when I serve and give to him.)

• i am thankful for~Having my house painted by my son and friends. They did a wonderful job and now each time I pull into my drive I can look at my house and smile.
• From my service training~ completing online, (email) assignments from Master. Nothing concrete that I can touch, feel and physically give. I am thankful for anything from Master, for each and every second,minute and hour. I gladly devour every morsel he gives to me.
• From the kitchen~ A picnic menu. Light,cool and refreshing food.
• i am wearing~ Capri Jeans and a black tank top
• i am creating~Painting some furniture this weekend maybe. Writing and hopefully can start working on Master's quilt again soon.
• my adventures this week~Seeing Master at the Eagle on Wednesday and being allowed to visit him for a bit on a work night! That was a first! This weekend, a picnic late evening or even at dark. I saw a few people at the park the other night with a table set eating at nine o'clock or so. The heat is terrible during the day and even early evening.
• Becoming well read~ I am reading Tolstoy's Anna Karenina online and A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius.
• Todays Melody~ This week and Today's music has been jazz and blues. playing lots of hot, soul music.
• One of my favorite things~Visiting my neighbor and grooming her dog, running to the store for her, just helping her out is one of my favorite things that I do. I enjoy just doing for her. Like me, it's only her. Her children are grown and/or  busy all the time and she is a widow. So in a way I can relate.
• Tuesday's Lecture~ Master's Time. I know he needs his time, just as I do. We both have our hobbies and families. I miss him so very much during are "off" weekends. I try to stay extra busy and focused on the half full glass.
• Picture of the week~ Yes, I wish he were here.